Wednesday, August 11, 2010

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 1b

Do you feel that abstinence alone will restore you to sanity? Why?

I've been in program a long time...25 years.  During this period, I've struggled with my abstinence; relapsed 3 times, overeaten, undereaten, purged, overexercised and left the program to do it my way. My disease plays games with my head. Has it been easy?  NO.

I can be abstinent for a long period of time and as soon as I step on the scale, the craziness will start again.  It's a numbers thing.  I have a certain number (in my head) I think I should weigh.  The farther away I am from it, the more I think I should be there. On the other hand, if I'm close to the number, my head tells me it should be lower - the lower, the better.

Conversely, if something isn't going my way or I'm struggling with depression, the first thing I want to do is reach for the food.

When I'm abstinent and have lost weight, I still may not be happy with how I look.  It's because I have a very distorted body image.  When I look in the mirror, I see a fat person (even though people I trust tell me I am tall and thin.)

The only solution I've found for this problem is my spiritual program, which I work diligently.  When I do, my whole outlook on life changes.  I'm at peace with the world and I'm at peace with myself. (I've been given a new set of eyes.  They're tinted with love, patience and tolerance, for myself and others.)

When my focus in on what my Higher Power wants from me and for me, nothing else matters.  I can stay focused on the day, deal with whatever is put in front of me (not fall apart) and go to bed that night at peace.

Love and peace,

Norinne M. 

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