I could have sworn I was doing enough while active in my addiction. I was trying to beat the depression. I was trying to stop eating. I was trying to lose weight. In hindsight, I can see my inability was all about SELF and EGO. I was going to the wrong place for help - ME.
I spent my whole life not rocking the boat; trying to create a life without animosity or discord. I needed everything to go smoothly and everyone to get along. In order to maintain all of this, I gave up pieces of myself. My focus was ceaseless; it was about what I wanted. If I didn't prevail, for any reason, I ate.
As hard as I tried, I had very little control - as a child or as an adult. My food, weight, and life were out of control and as a result, I wanted to die.
I need to remember this when I question the daily disciplines I do each day - especially the days I tell myself I'm tired of doing them.
Through these disciplines, I surrender to my Higher Power every day. I give him my life, asking for guidance in everything I do. I pray for acceptance of everything I struggle with (people, places and things) and I pray for patience, love and tolerance in all areas of my life. I ask my Higher Power to walk with me through the day and to fill me with his love and presence. I thank him for all he has done (and is doing) for my family, friends and myself. I ask him to watch over the people on my prayer list.
There are days I have a hard time remembering to pray (during the day). To help remind me, I wear a brightly colored rubber band on my wrist. This helps to catch my eye (and in turn, remind me to pray).
As I surrender today, the gifts that come to mind right away are:
- I feel freedom from my disease and peaceful inside. The food isn't calling out to me from the cupboards, refrigerator or stores. (I never had this before I surrendered the food and my life to my Higher Power).
- Today I can sit still and enjoy the quiet. (I never sat still, let alone by myself. My brain was constantly humming. If there wasn't something to worry about, I found something to worry about.)
- I can pray and meditate.
- I am able to listen for that still, quiet voice inside of me; the voice that gives me the answers for anything I struggle with or seek.
- I can stay calm and unruffled when my family (3 adults, 3 children and a dog) come to visit for a week. (I can have chaos going on around me and not get caught in it.)
- I can be available for a friend during a medical crisis.
- When needed, I can offer another friend a safe place to go to get abstinent.
- As a sponsor, I can offer loving and sane guidance.
- I've learned about balance - how it's a necessary component to the life I've sought. I'm not living in a world of extremes anymore. I've removed the terms right and wrong from my vocabulary.
- I'm choosing, with the help of my Higher Power, to let go of any behaviors, beliefs, emotions and people that hinder the continual development of my recovery.
" I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life
that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes."
A.A. Big Book, pg 8
Norinne M.
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