AS BILL SEES IT, Question 11b

What is your definition of being successful?

The dictionary's definition for successful is a favorable result.  My idea of successful is not repeating, over and over again, the errors of my past - the things that caused me pain.

I lived in pain from my addiction for twenty five years using the food to numb my feelings.  Ultimately the food turned on me; I couldn't get out from under it's spell.  The addiction grew over the years, causing me to consume more and more food.  In turn, my behaviors became more erratic.

Successful is being out from under my food addiction, one day at a time, with the help of my Higher Power and the grace of this (12 Step) program.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 4a

Do you feel you were doomed by your inheritance or maybe by your experiences or surroundings?  Have you allowed this to hold you back?  Why?

I used to blame everything that went wrong in my life - my addiction, the diabetes and the sexual abuse, on my parents and God.  I needed to understand why and the closest I got was to blame someone or something.  I wanted to make some sense out of my past and couldn't.

As I got older, I found blaming others was a way for me not to take responsibility (and then use it as an excuse to eat).  I was angry about the things done to me and what was wrong with me.  I had the "poor me's."  This in turn, allowed me to stay stuck.  Likewise, I used the same excuses in my marriage, work and friendships.  They helped me to push people away.  I hurt (inside), therefore, had no trust. There was no way I was going to allow myself to be vulnerable so used the fat to protect me: I had to shield myself from danger no matter what the cost.  I was not going to allow anyone to see the real me.

Today I recognize my past has helped shape who I am presently; the person God (HP) wants me to be right now.  Through the work I've done with the 12 steps, I now have experience and compassion, hence, I may be able to help someone else with the same history.

I heard someone say at a Big Book weekend, "we are the chosen."  I believe this with all my heart.  I have no doubt that God chose us to walk ahead of others in finding our recovery.  We can then help them by grabbing their hand and showing them the way (Step 12).

AS BILL SEE IT, Question 2a

Have you surrendered to your Higher Power enough to feel free?  If not, what aren't you doing?

I could have sworn I was doing enough while active in my addiction. I was trying to beat the depression. I was trying to stop eating.  I was trying to lose weight.  In hindsight, I can see my inability was all about SELF and EGO.  I was going to the wrong place for help - ME.

I spent my whole life not rocking the boat; trying to create a life without animosity or discord.  I needed everything to go smoothly and everyone to get along.  In order to maintain all of this, I gave up pieces of myself.  My focus was ceaseless; it was about what I wanted.  If I didn't prevail, for any reason, I ate.

As hard as I tried, I had very little control - as a child or as an adult.  My food, weight, and  life were out of control and as a result, I wanted to die.  

I need to remember this when I question the daily disciplines I do each day - especially the days I tell myself I'm tired of doing them.

Through these disciplines,  I surrender to my Higher Power every day.  I give him my life, asking for guidance in everything I do.  I pray for acceptance of everything I struggle with (people, places and things) and I pray for patience, love and tolerance in all areas of my life.  I ask my Higher Power to walk with me through the day and to fill me with his love and presence.  I thank him for all he has done (and is doing) for my family, friends and myself.  I ask him to watch over the people on my prayer list.

There are days I have a hard time remembering to pray (during the day).  To help remind me, I  wear a brightly colored rubber band on my wrist.  This helps to catch my eye (and in turn, remind me to pray).

As I surrender today, the gifts that come to mind right away are:

• I feel freedom from my disease and peaceful inside. The food isn't calling out to me from the cupboards, refrigerator or stores.  (I never had this before I surrendered the food and my life to my Higher Power). 

• Today I can sit still and enjoy the quiet. (I never sat still, let alone by myself.  My brain was constantly humming.  If there wasn't something to worry about, I found something to worry about.)

• I can pray and meditate.  

• I am able to listen for that still, quiet voice inside of me; the voice that gives me the answers for anything I struggle with or seek.

• I can stay calm and unruffled when my family (3 adults, 3 children and a dog) come to visit for a week.  (I can have chaos going on around me and not get caught in it.)

• I can be available for a friend during a medical crisis. 

• When needed, I can offer another friend a safe place to go to get abstinent.

• As a sponsor, I can offer loving and sane guidance.

• I've learned about balance -  how it's a necessary component to the life I've sought. I'm not living in a world of extremes anymore. I've removed the terms right and wrong from my vocabulary.

• I'm choosing, with the help of my Higher Power, to let go of any behaviors, beliefs, emotions and people that hinder the continual development of my recovery.

" I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life 

that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes." 

A.A. Big Book, pg 8 

Norinne M. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 1c

Have you truly grown up and realized that you have to change your thinking to meet all conditions?  How have you changed?  In what ways?  Are you finished?



I believed growing up was something that happened as I got older...an automatic thing.  In program I learned that while I am actively eating, I stop growing.  Considering this and the fact I started binging at seven, I've had a lot of maturing to do!

In the past, if I knew how things were going to go and what to expect I seemed fine.  But everything had to be on my terms.  My actions showed I was a good person; I helped, did things for people; I cared.  Under this facade,  I was very controlling.  I made sure I knew all the details so if I had to, could manipulate people, places and things to be sure of the outcome.  Still, in doing all of this, I had to maintain my outside friendly and helpful appearance.  This took a big toll on me inside.  Emotionally, I was on the edge all the time.  My need to keep a constant vigilance over everything kept me close to having an emotional breakdown. I was eating more and more food and getting less and less of a fix; the food wasn't working for me anymore.

This also took a toll on the people around me; my husband, my children, my friends and my co-workers.  While active in my disease, I wasn't aware of how my character defects affected them:   I wasn't honest with anyone, I was moody (therefore nobody could do anything right), self-centered, suspicious, inconsiderate, controlling, impatient, evasive, insecure, I spent a lot time worrying, and I definitely played the victim (by talking to others, trying to get them to see my side).

When I started in program, I knew my life had to change.  I couldn't live the way I'd been anymore. The pain was unbearable.  

The first thing suggested was to go to meetings.  I could do that.  Then I found a sponsor and started to learn to trust.  She suggested I start to work on my abstinence, so we came up with a food plan.  Then I began to do the 12 steps. When I got to the third step, I had a hard time.  I was mad at God; so many bad things  happened in my childhood and I blamed him.  (It took me many years to reconcile with this.)  I learned a lot about myself in the fourth step - this is where the changes started happening.

I started to see my behaviors and how they were affecting others.  I also saw how they were affecting me.  I recognized my need to change how I behaved in the past so began to stop and think before I responded.  I  made phone calls to program friends to ask for help.  I started to pray.

My program and I have grown and matured together. Even so, it took me awhile to learn that my spiritual program is just as important as my abstinence.  The conscious contact I have with my Higher Power has to be in-penetrable.  When I'm feeling at ease inside, I know the connection I've sought is strong.  On the other hand, when I'm feeling dis-ease, I know I'm in trouble.  It's then I have a lot of work to do. I have no problem telling the difference.

When I wake up each day, I seek to do God's will (my Higher Power's) in all areas of my life.  If a problem arises, I pause and ask what his will is for me.  The answer does come when I seek it (I have to be quiet to hear).

The changes in my thinking have occurred as a result of this work. They were very subtle and sometimes unrecognizable.  I had to have my sponsor and others point them out to me.  My job is to just do it and keep doing it. 

Today, looking back, I can recognize how I used to be compared to how I am today.  The biggest change I notice is the pain is gone.  Do I have more work to do?  I'll always have work to do - if I want to keep what I have.

I thank God every day for the life I have and the 12 Step programs.

Norinne M.