AS BILL SEES IT, Question 22b

Can fear be constructive?  In what ways?


In the 12 step program, one of the acronyms for FEAR is:  False Evidence Appearing Real.  Fear can be constructive for me IF I can learn from it.

Experience has shown, when I have fear, I'm "out of whack" spiritually.

When I'm fearful, I have an agenda - I've taken the outcome back.  I may say I've turned the problem over to God (and I trust him) but in actuality, I haven't.  What it boils down to is my need to control.  I haven't let go and I haven't completely surrendered.  Until this happens, I will continue to struggle (with fear).

The best part of my process is when I have the opportunity to learn.  As I go through the work it requires, I'm learning about what keeps me in bondage to the disease and what little I have to do to be free from it.  Fear can be changed from False Evidence Appearing Real into Face Everything And Recover!  My attitude has changed so that I can again trust God with everything - giving him all of my problems - including the outcome.  I'm back to feeling I will be OK.

As hard as it is, I have to do the work - it's the only way I can or will learn.  (I call it the school of hard knocks.)  My brain will not learn from someone else doing the work for me!

                                             

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 22a

Do you still possess unsatisfied demands?  What are they?  How can you get rid of them?  If you have none, how did you let them go?

Today I have no demands - satisfied or not.  This all changed for me many months ago when I made a list of all the things I wanted (and wasn't getting).

I took the items on the list and separated them into 2 lists:  Needs and Wants.  I had to determine which ones  I needed and which ones I wanted.  When I was done, I had a rude awakening - I noticed all of the items were on my wants list, not on the needs list.  Then I realized God has given me everything I've needed.

Next, I started thinking about the things on the list I haven't gotten (my wants) and started asking myself some questions:

• Is there something I need to do - some action I need to take?  
• Do I really want this item?  
• If I really want this, what am I willing to do for it?  
• Am I willing to pray and ask God to show me what his will is for me?
• Am I willing to wait for it (obviously God thinks I need to for some reason)

Next, I prayed for God's will for me regarding the balance of my "wants" list.  By praying, I was able to let go of my "unsatisfied demands".  Now, if something pops up from the material world, I follow the same process.  This process makes it easier for me to let go.

I have to say this has been a process - getting to a point in my life where I am open and willing to do all of this.  I had to be on a spiritual plane to be able to get here - and have the willingness to do the work.  I could not, nor would not, have been capable of doing any of this five years ago.  If you are not here yet, keep working at it.  It's worth it.  You're worth it!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 21b

Do you now feel safe in the outside world?  How, why & when?

How safe I feel is in direct proportion to how strong my spiritual program is.  If I'm working it diligently - praying and meditating everyday, asking for help from my Higher Power - reading and writing, using the A.A. Big Book and the A.A. 12&12 AND am abstinent, then I'm safe wherever I go.

All of these actions, ensure my Higher Power is with me and in turn, provide safety in the outside world.   It's when I don't do them on a daily basis, I feel unsafe.  The fear starts creeping in, I start to worry about the future and I can't let go of the things that happened yesterday.  My mind starts the crazy talk - the voices start yammering.  

When it comes down to it, the work doesn't require much effort to ensure my safety and the freedom I've been given (compared to what I used to go through to get my fix in the past).  At first it may seem to for a newcomer because it requires change.  Whenever there is change - thought is required - along with vigilance.

As with anything new, continued practice can create habits. It's definitely worth the effort. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 20c

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!  

 

Do the same to the third section of the Serenity Prayer.

"And wisdom to know the difference."

Sometimes (in my recovery) there is a time to shut up and listen and then other times it's OK to speak.  How do I know what to do when?  It comes from prayer and meditation, working the steps with my sponsor, abstinence, attending meetings, listening, asking for help and trusting the process.

Wisdom to know the difference did not happen overnight for me.  It came from doing the work.  The A.A. Big Book mentions the "intuitive thought."  I had this but didn't trust it.  This is because I had to do all of the work first.  I had to get abstinent and work the steps before I could understand it was my Higher Power talking to me. 

When I finally started working a spiritual program and actually felt Gods love inside of me - that's when I was able to love myself.  After this happened, I listened to the intuitive thought and trusted.  

I heard and I believed.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 20b

Do the same to the second section of the Serenity Prayer.

"courage to change the things I can."

Fear likes to "rear it's ugly head" in my life.  As a characteristic of my disease, it stops me from taking care of myself and growing.  When I grow, the disease lessons.  On the other hand, when I can't seem to get myself to do something because of being afraid, it's an opportune time to beat myself up.  This then becomes a feeding ground for my disease to thrive.

Courage to work through something that scares the heck out of me is pretty empowering!  Finding this courage came with help from my Higher Power, prayer, abstinence and the 12 steps. Prior to this, what I tried to use to empower me was food - all the food gave power to was my disease, which in turn, encouraged me to hide.  The more I ate, the more I wanted to hide.  The more I hid, the more I wanted to eat.  It was a vicious cycle.

(God grant me the) courage to change the things I can is a prayer in itself.  There is footwork I need to do - changing the things I can is part of this footwork and action comes into play (our newest tool).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 20a

The Serenity Prayer is divided into three (3) sections.  Break it down and take the first section.  What does it mean to you?  How do you relate?  How do you work it into your life?  Do you use it to your best advantage?

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"

Working my program, day in and day out, for as many years as I've been around the rooms, has given me the opportunity to learn quite a few things about acceptance.  I would call it the school of hard knocks  because I was constantly trying to change things I had no control over.  I had a hard time accepting anything not going the way I wanted or thought they should - it's been one of my worst defects.  Of course, I would eat over it and ended up one hundred pounds overweight!

The 12 steps have taught me I need to "turn it over," anything bothering me, to a Higher Power.  Afterward, I need to find peace sitting with my decision.  This is where the first part of the serenity prayer works for me.

When I say "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change," what I'm really doing is asking God for help with my decision (I can't do this God, so I'm giving it to you) and telling him I need help to be OK (with the decision).

Afterward, I don't want to take any part of this decision back and the addictive part of me (the disease) does.  So I have to continue to take action.  The action is asking God for more help.  I'm reaffirming my decision and speaking up to my disease.  I also want peace, therefore, the first line of the prayer; "God, grant me the serenity..."

My first line of defense comes from God, if I ask for it.  My part (the foot work) is asking for it.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 19c

Are you grateful for your success in program or do you take it for granted?

There was a time I didn't think much about where I came from (the pain) and how much better my life is.  I took my life and my recovery for granted.  I became complacent.  So when I received some medical news about myself that wasn't positive, I fell apart and went into an emotional relapse.

I couldn't understand why (something like this) would happen to me, especially when I was doing everything I was supposed to do.  (I'd been abstinent and following a specific food plan for over 13 years.)  I did what the doctors wanted - what happened?

This time period, ultimately, changed my whole life.  Someone called and asked if I would help her.  In the end, she's the one who helped me.  She had something I wanted - a spiritual program.  God got my attention.  I realized I'd been working a physical program only, not a spiritual one.

I am working a spiritual program today because of this messenger.  I also don't take my program for granted anymore.  (This is not to say I do everything perfectly.)

Instead of seeing what I can get out of life, my goal today is to see what I can give or bring to life.  A question I ask myself is, "How can I help someone today?"  I don't consciously have to ask it anymore - it happens automatically now.  I also ask, "What would God (HP) want me to do in this situation?"

We never know how we'll affect someone's life.  This summer I was able to see my brother for the first time in eight years.  (It has been his drug use that's kept us apart).

One of the last times I saw him, I gave him a couple of 12 Step books - the A.A. Big Book and a Narcotics Anonymous book.  I also talked to him about program and how it's affected my life. 

This summer he told me he's been clean for three years (he still has his N.A. book.)  I mention this because my brother has been using since he was in his teens - he's now 54.  There have been many prayers said in our family for him and lots of fears when the phone rang - especially during the times when we didn't know where he was.  I knew there was nothing more I could do for him and worrying wasn't going to help my program - so I gave him to God - to do with as he wished.

When I said goodbye this summer I told him I loved him.  Physically, I don't know where my brother is now.  I do know he's in God's hands.

No, I don't take anything for granted anymore.  I'm grateful for all my Higher Power has given me, as I walk with him hand in hand, on this wonderful journey called RECOVERY.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 19b

Have you taken insurance against the dangers of bigshotism?

The insurance I've taken out is with the 12 Step Recovery program and the premiums I gladly pay are:

1. Prayer and meditation (Higher Power/God)
2. Abstinence
3. 12 Steps

The currency (tools) I use are:  meetings, phone calls, anonymity, literature, service, sponsorship, writing and action.

These tools help support my recovery; they don't give me recovery.  This can only happen if I'm abstinent.  When I have the clarity to be able to hear God/HP, with it comes the ability to go to him for help with everything.  I have to be left out of the picture completely.

This was the problem I had: I was always in the middle of everything - controlling and running the show.  Nothing went on around me that I didn't have my hand in.  No one could do anything right.  I was miserable and everyone around me was miserable.

Thankfully, it doesn't have to be this way anymore.  This is a program of action and I choose to follow it One Day At A Time.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 19a

Do you play the big shot, blinded by prideful self-confidence?  In what ways may you be guilty?

Whenever I try to work my program on my own, I am blinded by "prideful self-confidence."  It can sneak into my life in a variety of ways; not making phone calls, going to fewer meetings and wanting more of something that's making me feel good (clothes, shopping, excitement, sex, reading novels, exercise, etc.).

In my fourth step it was suggested I find the root cause of these actions (my character defects).  My first recognition was that I was isolating.  Each one of the behaviors, in some way, shuts me off from something -  I'm isolating from my feelings or others.  When I mentioned this to my sponsor, she pushed me further, asking "what else would you be shut off from?"  It took me awhile, but I finally got it - my Higher Power!  When I'm playing the big shot - when I'm blinded by prideful self-confidence, I'm disconnected from God.  If I'm God-centered, there's no room to be self-centered!

When my self-confidence manifests itself as isolation, I make it all about me.  I don't want to do something - I don't want to feel something - I want to feel better. (I, I, I.)

"...blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could..."

A.A. Big Book, pg 25

This has always been my solution and IT DOESN'T WORK!  

Today I have to set aside what it is I want and continue to do what it is I need for my recovery:

1. I need to listen to the still quiet voice inside - my God voice.  It's my intuitive thought that tells me what I need to do to take care of myself.
2. My quiet time is vital to my being connected to HP (God).  If I'm not connected, there is no peace and serenity.  I lose what I've worked so hard for and NOTHING is worth this loss.
3. I need to listen to my sponsor - she has something I want - it's what drew me to her.  (It's a program of attraction).

Prideful self-confidence is a sign for me that there is something much bigger going on inside.  If I don't address my symptoms right away,  my disease will take over and I'll eventually be back in the food again. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 18b

How simple are you keeping your program?  Your life?  Do you tend to complicate things?

My program is very simple today.  I live it One Day At A Time, with God (HP) by my side, abstinently.

I've been abstinent for so long, I know what my standard abstinent meal options are and the food is always available in my home.  (My husband is not responsible for my meals but has been helping me cook abstinently over the years).

I spend an hour during the morning in quiet time - doing prayer and meditation, along with questions.  They help me with my spiritual program - keeping me in contact with God (HP).  When I can do this, the rest of my life runs smoothly.

The only time I complicate things is when I'm stressed - this happens when I'm disconnected from God.  When it occurs, I haven't taken enough time out for myself and I'm rushing.  I also haven't asked God (HP) for help.

The important thing is taking time out for working my program.  If I don't, everything then becomes all about me - what I want, what I'm doing, what I can't do, what someone is doing to me, etc.  I've become self-centered instead of God-centered.  I've lost my peace of mind, serenity and any enjoyment in the life I have - because I've taken back control.  So by making everything about me again, I've lost everything I wanted and sought.

The way I get it back is by pausing, just like the Big Book says:

"As we go through the day we pause when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the 

right thought or action, we constantly remind ourselves we are no longer

running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy

will be done.'  We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear,

anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions."

A.A. Big Book, pg 87-88

It's so much easier to be living on a spiritual plane.  My days are carefree - I have no concerns and I go to bed peacefully at night 

If I can live my life each day, seeking to do Gods will in all areas of my life, I receive the peace and serenity I've craved, every day of my life.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 17c

How honest are you with others?


I can be brutally honest and in the process, hurt the people I care about.  It's not done intentionally.  Sometimes, the information just comes out of my mouth.  Other times, I know what I'm doing but don't know any other way to say what I want.

It's about practice for me.  I could never speak up so had to force myself to open my mouth.  When I started, it was in meetings -  I talked about wanting to recover.  The more I did it, the easier it got.  And because it was about something I wanted, it was easy to speak my truth.

While doing the Steps, I learned about character defects - my main one being fear.  An acronym for FEAR is:  False Evidence Appearing Real.  If I don't go to God with my fears, they'll continue to grow in my head - sometimes immobilizing me.  The 12 steps have helped with this - I can address my fears in a 10-step, looking at what the fears may be about.  This action brings me back to reality.  I can also talk about them with the people around me who support me.  (They help bring clarity to what is going on.)  And by talking about what I'm afraid of, the actions help me to become honest in my relationships. 

Today, I need to make amends with someone I love and care about.  I really don't want to but I need to -  for myself and the other person.  If I don't do it, ultimately I could lose their respect and trust along with eating again.  This is not something I really have a choice about anymore - not if I want to live the life I've been searching for; a life with peace, joy and serenity. 

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.

A.A. Big Book, pg 58

Honesty is the only choice I have if I want to continue to work my program and be around to enjoy tomorrow.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 17b

Explain the deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves.  Are you guilty of this?

When I am trying to fool someone else by telling a lie or with evasion, I've already fooled myself into believing this falsehood.  The deception has to become my truth before I can try to convince anyone else.

I've been guilty many times in my past of what I would have called sugar coating the truth - I wouldn't have said I was lying.  I may have admitted I was stretching the truth if caught, but only if backed into a corner.  In both cases, it was to get things to go my way.  Whenever I didn't tell the truth, it was always to get my way.  [ I would label my behavior controlling and manipulation.]

• I lied about my food -  what I was eating and not eating, 
• I lied to my husband about what I spent while shopping, 
• I lied to myself about not having a problem with food.  
• When I play "dumb," it's a form of lying.  
• Withholding my emotions is a form of lying.

Do I deceive myself today?  Yes.  I still have character defects.  Not all of the same ones I came into program with.  They're also not as frequent.  With my Higher Powers help and working the 12 Step program, I am working on letting them go, slowly and in God's (HP's) time.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 17a

How well do you utilize a daily inventory?

I do spot check inventories everyday along with 10 steps when necessary.  If during my spot check, something is bothering me and I can't let it go, I'll do a 10 step inventory.

 I find myself hesitant to do a 10 step inventory  -  I'm not sure why.  It may be my needing to sit down and taking time to do it.  In reality, I think it's because I have to look at my part in whatever is going on.  This means I have to own my actions and feelings.  It may require [and generally does] my needing to make an amends.  I know I still have a hard time with doing these!  Just yesterday I needed to make one and ended up with a fight going on inside of me  -  the healthy me was telling the disease we were going to make the amends and why.  The disease was telling me why it wasn't necessary to do the amend.

It's interesting to look back on it today and see all of the shenanigans my disease was going through to not make the amend.  I talked to one person [intentionally] to see if they would tell me I didn't have to do it  -  they didn't mention it at all!  If the diseased voice were to "win out," I would have called a few more people to try and find someone to tell me I didn't need to make the amend.  In the end, I made several program outreach phone calls and then called the person and made the amend.

The bottom line for me is that I do the inventories as often as I need them.  It's when my gut is disturbed and I need to settle my thoughts.  I can't be close to my Higher Power when my mind is somewhere else.  I have to get myself to a place where I can "Let Go" and find peace.  My peace comes from God (HP).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 16c

Do you believe that God is responsible for your abstinence and why?

For quite sometime in program, I still believed deep down inside I had control.  I thought I was responsible for my abstinence - I had the power.  It was because I was under the influence of the diet mentality.  My intention while attending the meetings was about the weight - the 12 Steps I was working with my sponsor was just something I was doing because I had to.  It was totally separate from the food and my weight.  Yes, I weighed and measured my food and called it in but everything was still all about me and what I could do.  There was no God (HP) in the picture.  ONLY WHEN I GOT INTO TROUBLE, then I cried out for help, resulting in a plea to give me what I wanted or get me out of the pickle I was in - that's when I went to God (HP).

Today is different, ONLY WHEN I GIVE MY LIFE TO GOD (HP).  When I do this, give my life to God (HP), it has to be my whole life, not just parts of it.  This includes my food.  I'll share with you a prayer I've come up with to help me:

"I give you my food God (HP), to do with as you please.  As you guide me in my abstinence today, please give me direction for the healthy choices I need in my food plan.  Please join me during my meals and help me to enjoy and be filled with the food you helpfully put on my plate.  I joyfully ask all this in your name.  Amen.

When I surrender completely - then yes, God (HP) is responsible for my abstinence. (I still have to do the footwork-writing it down, weighing and measuring and giving it to my sponsor.)

Sometimes it taken me a long time to learn.  It has with my food, especially because it revolves around my weight.  Letting go of this outcome [my weight] is hard for me.  I don't like watching the numbers on the scale  go up and not have a say about it.  Trust is involved with this topic - one for another day!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 16b

What is your reaction to never eating like a normal eater?

When I first started coming to program and heard about members abstaining from specific foods, I was angry.  I didn't want anyone to mess with my food  -  I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO TAKE MY FIX AWAY.  It's because I was active - face first in the food.  I had no clarity of mind and nothing to compare my life with.  I had no idea what it would be like to live life abstinently.

Then I saw and heard the changes in members who were abstinent.  It was a great motivator.  I wanted what they had and became willing to do whatever I had to receive what I saw on their faces - joy, peace and serenity.

The journey I've been on since has been very rewarding. As much as I hate CHANGE, my recovery is very important to me. What I once thought was not normal [the new way I learned to eat] has become normal for me:  I see no difference anymore between how I eat compared to anyone else.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 16a

What is your opinion of the 24-hour concept?

Whoever came up with this idea (they had to be one of us) was brilliant.

I can do something, if it's only for 24 hours.  If I have to think about doing it for the rest of my life, it's the surest way to discourage me from wanting to continue.

When I was told I needed to give up sugar and flour, it seemed daunting.  I couldn't comprehend how I  would do it - how could I for a day, let alone a lifetime?

My sponsor and the people helping me, broke it down into time increments.  All I had to worry about was what I was going to do that day.  I was told to "plan what I eat and eat what I plan."  It was that simple.  They helped me to figure out what foods were safe for me to eat and then do it one day at a time.

I've been able to do it for most of the last twenty eight years.  It works if you work it.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 15b

Why do you think we will never reach perfection?

Perfection would make me God-like and there is no way on Earth this could happen.  What I can do, is strive to seek and do God's will each day.  This is all I my Higher Power expects from me.

I heard someone say, "We are born perfect."  I have no chance of maintaining this perfection - there are too many things in society and the world to confuse and tempt me.    An example is how in my pain, I sought to make it go away with substances that fed my addiction.

Today, I've found there are other options.  The 12 Step Program has shown me a better way, through the steps and a Higher Power.  The pain is gone and I have peace and serenity each day I seek help from my Higher Power.

I don't need to seek perfection, I need to seek my Higher Power's will, ONE DAY AT A TIME.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 15a

Why is growth so important?

If I'm not moving forward, I'm moving backward - it's as simple as that for me.  My recovery requires action - I need to always be doing something to maintain or further my spiritual progress.  If I'm not, I will eat again and "to eat is to die."

If I am spiritually fit, I can do all kinds of things - mostly, stay abstinent.  Further, I will find courage to say I'm sorry, say no, speak up for my rights, push myself to exercise - long enough so I get to the point I enjoy it again!  I also find time to go to my doctors and dentist visits.  (Actually, I'll find time to make the appointments and then go).  I take care of my self physically and emotionally...I can do these things because I feel Gods love, therefore I can love myself. 

When I love me, I can love others and it will come out in my actions and behaviors.  There is no sarcasm and I do things willingly. This is why it's important for me to work my program. 

I am willing to do anything to stop my addiction and the Big Book tells me the only way I can do this is by having a spiritual experience.  "I must not shrink at anything."  (B.B. pg 79)

We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough."

A.A. Big Book, pg 82

I tried to work my program with just the bare essentials - abstinence, meetings and phone calls.  It didn't work.  I kept sliding into an emotional abyss.  The three tools I was using couldn't keep me emotionally stable.  I'd ask God for help but I was only playing lip service - I wanted God to do it my way.  I wasn't ready to give up the control.  Because of this, there was no growth.  I was stagnate - slowly sliding towards relapse.  The only thinking I was doing was self-centered; my EGO was huge.  There was no humility - I wasn't seeking to do God's will and wasn't teachable.

It took an emotional relapse to get my attention.  I knew if I didn't do something, I was headed towards relapse.  (Fortunately, relapse scared me.)

Ultimately, what happened was I had an "out of body" experience.  I saw myself sitting at a meeting and all I was doing was complaining.  It was all about the poor me's;  "So and so did this [to me] and so and so was doing this to me."  It was all about being the victim. 

When I saw my actions (what I was doing and saying), I knew I was on a downward spiral and in trouble; if I didn't change, I was going to eat soon.

The "out of body" experience was one of many gifts my Higher Power gave me several years ago that has helped to change my life.  I was able to recognize what was missing - a spiritual program - and I wanted it. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 11b

What is your definition of being successful?

The dictionary's definition for successful is a favorable result.  My idea of successful is not repeating, over and over again, the errors of my past - the things that caused me pain.

I lived in pain from my addiction for twenty five years using the food to numb my feelings.  Ultimately the food turned on me; I couldn't get out from under it's spell.  The addiction grew over the years, causing me to consume more and more food.  In turn, my behaviors became more erratic.

Successful is being out from under my food addiction, one day at a time, with the help of my Higher Power and the grace of this (12 Step) program.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 10b

Do you work on nourishing the good and changing the bad?

Working the 12 Steps is a very interesting process.  When I didn't think I was making any progress, the people around me (in the rooms) surprised me by pointing out the changes.

Then there were the days I felt like I was on a fast moving train and wanted it to slow down (too many changes were happening).  I realized that God (HP) was in charge and there was nothing I could do; as much as I tried to dig my heels in, it wouldn't stop the train.

As time passed, I was able to recognize the changes in myself and the area's where I needed to continue to work.  When I didn't, I got nudges from God (HP).  They came by way of my seeing (or hearing) where I made a mistake, something in someones share, a feeling in my gut, a billboard, a sign on a church, something read, a meditation, etc.

As long as I'm abstinent, I can hear the message from my Higher Power and be willing to take action.  These two components are very important to "nourishing the good and changing the bad."

The whole healing process is like a flowering plant - there are several things needed for it to grow; sunlight (God/HP), fertilizer/water (food - abstinence), proper soil (12 Step program).  Neither one of us - myself or the flowering plant, can grow in the dark (my addiction). 

I need to have the necessary conditions to nurture myself.  The 12 Step program has taught me how to do this by introducing me to a Higher Power, showing me I need to be abstinent, having me work the steps and helping me to recognize I deserve all of it.