How have you experienced both kinds of fear? (constructive & non-constructive)
I believe any fear can be constructive, if I can learn from it. On the other hand, non-constructive fear would mean (for me) holding onto the fear and repeating it over and over in my daily life.
Prior to working the 12 steps and actively working a spiritual program, I lived with several fears. I couldn't let go of them no matter what I did. They were prevalent in my life and permeated most of my relationships. The biggest two were death and abandonment. I was afraid of death - in myself and those I loved and I was afraid my husband was going to leave me. It didn't matter what he said or did to prove his love, I was still afraid of being alone. These fears were destructive because they affected everything I did and said. They also gave me reason (I thought) to eat.
They have also become constructive fears - I've learned they have nothing to do with death, abandonment or my husband. The abandonment has everything to do with the empty hole inside I've felt for as long as I can remember. The fears are about my need to trust a Higher Power with my life.
As this trust has emerged and grown, my fears have weakened and shrunk. They are gone, as long as I work all aspects of my program - physical, emotional and especially the spiritual. When I can feel my Higher Powers presence deep down inside, there are no fears.
I am not afraid when I live and work my program every day, with help from my Higher Power (God).
Showing posts with label Trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trust. Show all posts
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
AS BILL SEES IT, Question 22b
Can fear be constructive? In what ways?
In the 12 step program, one of the acronyms for FEAR is: False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear can be constructive for me IF I can learn from it.
When I'm fearful, I have an agenda - I've taken the outcome back. I may say I've turned the problem over to God (and I trust him) but in actuality, I haven't. What it boils down to is my need to control. I haven't let go and I haven't completely surrendered. Until this happens, I will continue to struggle (with fear).
The best part of my process is when I have the opportunity to learn. As I go through the work it requires, I'm learning about what keeps me in bondage to the disease and what little I have to do to be free from it. Fear can be changed from False Evidence Appearing Real into Face Everything And Recover! My attitude has changed so that I can again trust God with everything - giving him all of my problems - including the outcome. I'm back to feeling I will be OK.
As hard as it is, I have to do the work - it's the only way I can or will learn. (I call it the school of hard knocks.) My brain will not learn from someone else doing the work for me!
In the 12 step program, one of the acronyms for FEAR is: False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear can be constructive for me IF I can learn from it.
Experience has shown, when I have fear, I'm "out of whack" spiritually.
When I'm fearful, I have an agenda - I've taken the outcome back. I may say I've turned the problem over to God (and I trust him) but in actuality, I haven't. What it boils down to is my need to control. I haven't let go and I haven't completely surrendered. Until this happens, I will continue to struggle (with fear).
The best part of my process is when I have the opportunity to learn. As I go through the work it requires, I'm learning about what keeps me in bondage to the disease and what little I have to do to be free from it. Fear can be changed from False Evidence Appearing Real into Face Everything And Recover! My attitude has changed so that I can again trust God with everything - giving him all of my problems - including the outcome. I'm back to feeling I will be OK.
As hard as it is, I have to do the work - it's the only way I can or will learn. (I call it the school of hard knocks.) My brain will not learn from someone else doing the work for me!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
AS BILL SEES IT, Question 8c
Do you turn to God when things don't go your way? Or, do you accept and still continue to trust that God is still taking care of you in a way that you cannot take care of yourself?
In the past, I only turned to God (HP) when things didn't go my way. Otherwise, I didn't need his help - I did just fine on my own. Even then I fought - kicking and screaming to the very end; I would try everything before I gave in. I literally had to feel backed into a corner before I gave up.
If someone were to have told me, when I started in program, that my whole being and my whole belief system was going to change, I would not have believed them. I would have shaken my head and walked away. These changes have occurred in my life!
Even after many years of abstinence and a long, long time in program, it didn't happen until I started on a spiritual quest. I wanted the third leg of the stool. By working it ONE DAY AT A TIME, I've seen how with God's [HP's] help, I've been able to heal from my past and now use it to help others in program - something I would never have thought possible. (At the time I never thought I would heal from it, let alone help someone else.)
The promises are coming true in my life everyday - it works, it really does!
In the past, I only turned to God (HP) when things didn't go my way. Otherwise, I didn't need his help - I did just fine on my own. Even then I fought - kicking and screaming to the very end; I would try everything before I gave in. I literally had to feel backed into a corner before I gave up.
- Today, whenever I feel an inkling of discomfort emotionally, I go to God [HP] for help.
- In the past, I ate to numb out and shut down my emotions.
- Today, I choose not to eat.
- In the past, I never allowed myself to feel, so never knew how I felt.
- Today, I'm learning how to feel with Gods [HP's] help.
- In the past I thought the negative things that were happening to me, were things God was doing to me.
- Today I understand humans have been given free will. The events happening in my life are to help me in some way or to help someone else in some way.
If someone were to have told me, when I started in program, that my whole being and my whole belief system was going to change, I would not have believed them. I would have shaken my head and walked away. These changes have occurred in my life!
Even after many years of abstinence and a long, long time in program, it didn't happen until I started on a spiritual quest. I wanted the third leg of the stool. By working it ONE DAY AT A TIME, I've seen how with God's [HP's] help, I've been able to heal from my past and now use it to help others in program - something I would never have thought possible. (At the time I never thought I would heal from it, let alone help someone else.)
The promises are coming true in my life everyday - it works, it really does!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
AS BILL SEES IT, Question 7a
How vast do you believe the realm of the spirit to be? Is belief enough for you to completely put yourself in Gods care?
I was so beaten down by my disease and the consequences of it, that I was willing to believe again. I wanted something that was greater than myself to take away my problems and help me to make my life better again. Sitting in the meetings and reading the literature led me to believe a Higher Power could do this for me.
"As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or he is
willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on
his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon
this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual
structure can be built."
A.A. Big Book, pg 47
I was so beaten down by my disease and the consequences of it, that I was willing to believe again. I wanted something that was greater than myself to take away my problems and help me to make my life better again. Sitting in the meetings and reading the literature led me to believe a Higher Power could do this for me.
Part of my disease already had me living in a fantasy world so it was easy for me to adjust to the possibility of a power greater than myself - I could pretend. The qualities I gave my Higher Power were also easy. He's everything I want him to be, which includes being all powerful and knowing; his powers encompass everything and go everywhere. There isn't anything he's unable to do.
My problem was learning to trust. I didn't trust God and I didn't trust anyone in program. That took awhile. I had to make sure it was safe with both. Today, belief is enough for me to completely put myself in God's care.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
AS BILL SEES IT, Question 5c
Do you believe life is unfair, or do you simply chalk it off to "life's experience" and learn to grow by it?
The way I look at life today is totally different from twenty years ago (when I first started in fellowship). If asked this question then, I would have said life was unfair. In fact, twenty years ago, my belief was, "life's a b-tch and then you die." (My coffee mug at work had this saying on it.) I felt I had to wring as much out of life as I could because it was the only enjoyment I was ever going to get. WATCH everyone and TRUST NO ONE.
Then I got back into the A.A. Big Book and the A.A. 12&12 and started my spiritual journey.
The analogy I use for my life today is a meandering trail, through the woods, over hills, valleys, mountains and streams, While on my journey, so far, I've come across forks in the road, beautiful vista's, huge boulders blocking the way, wide rivers and fallen trees.
I could let any obstacle (I come across) block me from moving forward on this journey - I have in the past. Instead, I use the obstacles to learn something from (maybe that's why they're there in the first place!) I believe God (HP) wants me to use these experiences to learn the following:
I don't chalk any of this up to" life's experiences." If asked, the way I would explain it to someone is that it's Gods (HP) learning experiences. They are there to help me become the person he wants me to be.
The way I look at life today is totally different from twenty years ago (when I first started in fellowship). If asked this question then, I would have said life was unfair. In fact, twenty years ago, my belief was, "life's a b-tch and then you die." (My coffee mug at work had this saying on it.) I felt I had to wring as much out of life as I could because it was the only enjoyment I was ever going to get. WATCH everyone and TRUST NO ONE.
Then I got back into the A.A. Big Book and the A.A. 12&12 and started my spiritual journey.
The analogy I use for my life today is a meandering trail, through the woods, over hills, valleys, mountains and streams, While on my journey, so far, I've come across forks in the road, beautiful vista's, huge boulders blocking the way, wide rivers and fallen trees.
I could let any obstacle (I come across) block me from moving forward on this journey - I have in the past. Instead, I use the obstacles to learn something from (maybe that's why they're there in the first place!) I believe God (HP) wants me to use these experiences to learn the following:
- Foremost, he wants me to learn how to ask for help, from him and others.
- He wants me to learn about my strengths and my weaknesses.
- I need to slow down to enjoy my life - the people, places and things going on around me.
- I need to learn about depending on him (trust) - in all areas of my life. Today my lessons seem to be about financial trust. In the past it was about abstinence, my children, my health and my husband. I've done some financial work in the past. Today it's on a deeper level; I'm releasing more from the material world I live in.
I don't chalk any of this up to" life's experiences." If asked, the way I would explain it to someone is that it's Gods (HP) learning experiences. They are there to help me become the person he wants me to be.
"These work outs should be regarded as part of your education, for thus you will be learning to live. You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome."
A.A. Big Book, pg 117
Each day is a new day on this wonderful journey God (HP) has me on!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
AS BILL SEES IT, Question 4a
Do you feel you were doomed by your inheritance or maybe by your experiences or surroundings? Have you allowed this to hold you back? Why?
I used to blame everything that went wrong in my life - my addiction, the diabetes and the sexual abuse, on my parents and God. I needed to understand why and the closest I got was to blame someone or something. I wanted to make some sense out of my past and couldn't.
As I got older, I found blaming others was a way for me not to take responsibility (and then use it as an excuse to eat). I was angry about the things done to me and what was wrong with me. I had the "poor me's." This in turn, allowed me to stay stuck. Likewise, I used the same excuses in my marriage, work and friendships. They helped me to push people away. I hurt (inside), therefore, had no trust. There was no way I was going to allow myself to be vulnerable so used the fat to protect me: I had to shield myself from danger no matter what the cost. I was not going to allow anyone to see the real me.
Today I recognize my past has helped shape who I am presently; the person God (HP) wants me to be right now. Through the work I've done with the 12 steps, I now have experience and compassion, hence, I may be able to help someone else with the same history.
I heard someone say at a Big Book weekend, "we are the chosen." I believe this with all my heart. I have no doubt that God chose us to walk ahead of others in finding our recovery. We can then help them by grabbing their hand and showing them the way (Step 12).
I used to blame everything that went wrong in my life - my addiction, the diabetes and the sexual abuse, on my parents and God. I needed to understand why and the closest I got was to blame someone or something. I wanted to make some sense out of my past and couldn't.
As I got older, I found blaming others was a way for me not to take responsibility (and then use it as an excuse to eat). I was angry about the things done to me and what was wrong with me. I had the "poor me's." This in turn, allowed me to stay stuck. Likewise, I used the same excuses in my marriage, work and friendships. They helped me to push people away. I hurt (inside), therefore, had no trust. There was no way I was going to allow myself to be vulnerable so used the fat to protect me: I had to shield myself from danger no matter what the cost. I was not going to allow anyone to see the real me.
Today I recognize my past has helped shape who I am presently; the person God (HP) wants me to be right now. Through the work I've done with the 12 steps, I now have experience and compassion, hence, I may be able to help someone else with the same history.
I heard someone say at a Big Book weekend, "we are the chosen." I believe this with all my heart. I have no doubt that God chose us to walk ahead of others in finding our recovery. We can then help them by grabbing their hand and showing them the way (Step 12).
Monday, September 13, 2010
AS BILL SEES IT, Question 3c
Were you able to turn your life over to a Higher Power on sheer faith alone? What caused you to have this faith?
When I was first in program, I heard the slogan, "Act As If." It didn't mean anything to me until I really needed my higher Power the first time.
My husband and I were stuck at our cottage 1 1/2 miles away from civilization, on a dirt road with no telephone: Our vehicle wouldn't start. He'd been working on it for over 45 minutes and each time he tried to start it, the engine wouldn't turn over. Because we were supposed to be home at a specific time (his children from a previous marriage were going to be returned then), I was getting more and more upset.
My anxiety was so bad, I decided to surrender. For the first time since joining program, I asked God (HP) for help. I remember thinking, "God, they tell me to act as if, so I need to trust (you). Please help us to get the van running so we can get home in time for the boys."
I remember very clearly where I was sitting when this took place. I was on our outside steps, facing my husband while praying to God. Shortly after I said the prayer, the van started.
Such occurrences have happened for me each time I've tried since. As a result, over time, the experiences have made it easier for me to trust God (HP). With trust, came my faith.
I know, down to my very core, that God will take care of me. I also recognize (and accept) the results may not always be the way I want them to be.
My belief and acceptance didn't happen overnight. It's come about as I've grown into the spiritual being I am today. I am a wondrous spiritual being, evolving - as long as I work my program.
I look forward to seeing what's next!
When I was first in program, I heard the slogan, "Act As If." It didn't mean anything to me until I really needed my higher Power the first time.
My husband and I were stuck at our cottage 1 1/2 miles away from civilization, on a dirt road with no telephone: Our vehicle wouldn't start. He'd been working on it for over 45 minutes and each time he tried to start it, the engine wouldn't turn over. Because we were supposed to be home at a specific time (his children from a previous marriage were going to be returned then), I was getting more and more upset.
My anxiety was so bad, I decided to surrender. For the first time since joining program, I asked God (HP) for help. I remember thinking, "God, they tell me to act as if, so I need to trust (you). Please help us to get the van running so we can get home in time for the boys."
I remember very clearly where I was sitting when this took place. I was on our outside steps, facing my husband while praying to God. Shortly after I said the prayer, the van started.
Such occurrences have happened for me each time I've tried since. As a result, over time, the experiences have made it easier for me to trust God (HP). With trust, came my faith.
I know, down to my very core, that God will take care of me. I also recognize (and accept) the results may not always be the way I want them to be.
My belief and acceptance didn't happen overnight. It's come about as I've grown into the spiritual being I am today. I am a wondrous spiritual being, evolving - as long as I work my program.
I look forward to seeing what's next!
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