AS BILL SEES IT, Question 22c

How have you experienced both kinds of fear?  (constructive & non-constructive)

I believe any fear can be constructive, if I can learn from it.  On the other hand, non-constructive fear would mean (for me) holding onto the fear and  repeating it over and over in my daily life.

Prior to working the 12 steps and actively working a spiritual program, I lived with several fears.  I couldn't let go of them no matter what I did.  They were prevalent in my life and permeated most of my relationships.  The biggest two were death and abandonment.  I was afraid of death - in myself and those I loved and I was afraid my husband was going to leave me.  It didn't matter what he said or did to prove his love, I was still afraid of being alone.  These fears were destructive because they affected everything I did and said.  They also gave me reason (I thought) to eat.

They have also become constructive fears - I've learned they have nothing to do with death, abandonment or my husband.  The abandonment has everything to do with the empty hole inside I've felt for as long as I can remember.  The fears are about my need to trust a Higher Power with my life. 

As this trust has emerged and grown, my fears have weakened and shrunk.  They are gone, as long as I work all aspects of my program - physical, emotional and especially the spiritual.  When I can feel my Higher Powers presence deep down inside, there are no fears.

I am not afraid when I live and work my program every day, with help from my Higher Power (God).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 22b

Can fear be constructive?  In what ways?


In the 12 step program, one of the acronyms for FEAR is:  False Evidence Appearing Real.  Fear can be constructive for me IF I can learn from it.

Experience has shown, when I have fear, I'm "out of whack" spiritually.

When I'm fearful, I have an agenda - I've taken the outcome back.  I may say I've turned the problem over to God (and I trust him) but in actuality, I haven't.  What it boils down to is my need to control.  I haven't let go and I haven't completely surrendered.  Until this happens, I will continue to struggle (with fear).

The best part of my process is when I have the opportunity to learn.  As I go through the work it requires, I'm learning about what keeps me in bondage to the disease and what little I have to do to be free from it.  Fear can be changed from False Evidence Appearing Real into Face Everything And Recover!  My attitude has changed so that I can again trust God with everything - giving him all of my problems - including the outcome.  I'm back to feeling I will be OK.

As hard as it is, I have to do the work - it's the only way I can or will learn.  (I call it the school of hard knocks.)  My brain will not learn from someone else doing the work for me!

                                             

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 20b

Do the same to the second section of the Serenity Prayer.

"courage to change the things I can."

Fear likes to "rear it's ugly head" in my life.  As a characteristic of my disease, it stops me from taking care of myself and growing.  When I grow, the disease lessons.  On the other hand, when I can't seem to get myself to do something because of being afraid, it's an opportune time to beat myself up.  This then becomes a feeding ground for my disease to thrive.

Courage to work through something that scares the heck out of me is pretty empowering!  Finding this courage came with help from my Higher Power, prayer, abstinence and the 12 steps. Prior to this, what I tried to use to empower me was food - all the food gave power to was my disease, which in turn, encouraged me to hide.  The more I ate, the more I wanted to hide.  The more I hid, the more I wanted to eat.  It was a vicious cycle.

(God grant me the) courage to change the things I can is a prayer in itself.  There is footwork I need to do - changing the things I can is part of this footwork and action comes into play (our newest tool).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 17c

How honest are you with others?


I can be brutally honest and in the process, hurt the people I care about.  It's not done intentionally.  Sometimes, the information just comes out of my mouth.  Other times, I know what I'm doing but don't know any other way to say what I want.

It's about practice for me.  I could never speak up so had to force myself to open my mouth.  When I started, it was in meetings -  I talked about wanting to recover.  The more I did it, the easier it got.  And because it was about something I wanted, it was easy to speak my truth.

While doing the Steps, I learned about character defects - my main one being fear.  An acronym for FEAR is:  False Evidence Appearing Real.  If I don't go to God with my fears, they'll continue to grow in my head - sometimes immobilizing me.  The 12 steps have helped with this - I can address my fears in a 10-step, looking at what the fears may be about.  This action brings me back to reality.  I can also talk about them with the people around me who support me.  (They help bring clarity to what is going on.)  And by talking about what I'm afraid of, the actions help me to become honest in my relationships. 

Today, I need to make amends with someone I love and care about.  I really don't want to but I need to -  for myself and the other person.  If I don't do it, ultimately I could lose their respect and trust along with eating again.  This is not something I really have a choice about anymore - not if I want to live the life I've been searching for; a life with peace, joy and serenity. 

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.

A.A. Big Book, pg 58

Honesty is the only choice I have if I want to continue to work my program and be around to enjoy tomorrow.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 7a

How vast do you believe the realm of the spirit to be?  Is belief enough for you to completely put yourself in Gods care?

"As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or he is

willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on

his way.  It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon

this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual

structure can be built."

A.A. Big Book, pg 47

I was so beaten down by my disease and the consequences of it, that I was willing to believe again.  I wanted something that was greater than myself to take away my problems and help me to make my life better again.  Sitting in the meetings and reading the literature led me to believe a Higher Power could do this for me.

Part of my disease already had me living in a fantasy world so it was easy for me to adjust to the possibility of a power greater than myself - I could pretend.  The qualities I gave my Higher Power were also easy.  He's  everything I want him to be, which includes being all powerful and knowing; his powers encompass everything and go everywhere.  There isn't anything he's unable to do.

My problem was learning to trust.  I didn't trust God and I didn't trust anyone in program.  That took awhile.  I had to make sure it was safe with both.  Today, belief is enough for me to completely put myself in God's care.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 6c

Is it OK to experience fear?  What do you do when you experience fear?

Fear spells trouble and it needs to take me right to my Higher Power.  I can't do anything when I'm fearful because it's all about me - that's where my focus is; what I have, what I don't have, what's going to happen or what's not going to happen.  I'm no help to anyone, most of all myself.

I have to get myself God-centered instead of self-centered, by whatever means necessary.

In my fear, I may try everything else first! (My old behaviors.)  It used to be the food and shopping - depending on how fearful and disconnected I am.  I may wait to do my prayer and meditation until last or I may not get quiet enough in my head for prayer and meditation.  This is the key for me.  I have to sit still long enough for the thoughts in my head to quiet down.  I have to be open to prayer and meditation for it to work.  When I am (quiet enough in my head) I can hear that still quiet voice talking to me and I have peace.  The fear goes away and I can move on.

I had an incident happen just yesterday to demonstrate what can happen to me and others when I experience fear and don't take the time to ask God for help.  I'd like to share it.

I wanted to go to a phone meeting and the phone service I was using (when I dialed the phone number) asked me for the exact meeting id number.  Every time I entered the numbers I had for the meeting, they didn't work.  So I made outreach calls to the contact people for two different phone meetings and then emailed a person for a third meeting.  The first person I heard back from was the person I emailed.  She questioned me about where I got her name and after I gave her the incorrect meeting information (by mistake), she questioned me on the date of the list I was working from (because she was no longer a contact person).  I responded with answers to her questions.

She sent me the information I'd requested and I sent her a thank you.  I also made a reference to the mistakes made with the old list and the wrong meeting I had given.  It was supposed to be referring to me but  I forgot to make the reference to me in the email.  She read the email and immediately took offense.  She couldn't  understand why I would treat her the way I did when she went out of her way to help me. She sent back an email that was less than nice, which in turn, upset me.

This all started because I was so upset about the phone problems.  I was self-centered and didn't pay attention to what I was writing.  I ended up hurting someone I had no intention to hurt. 

I had to do a 10-step to understand my part - then I was able to let it go.  

My only concern was to get to a meeting.  In the process of trying, I hurt anyone who got in my way.  My self-centered behavior started with the problems with the phone.  It wasn't until I understood what my character defects were, saw when they started, and made amends, I was finally able to let all of it go. (I did send her an email, apologizing and taking responsibility for my actions.)

Fear is only OK for me to experience when I have the tools and use them.  Otherwise, I have to treat it like a resentment.  It can be deadly for myself and others.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 6b

Do you allow yourself to get angry and accept the fact that this may be a natural instinct?  What do you do when you get angry?

Anger is a mask for my fear.  In the A.A. 12&12, it talks about self-centered fear:

"The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily 
fear that we would lose something we already possessed

or would fail to get something we demanded.  Living upon a basis of

unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance

and frustration.  Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could

find a means of reducing these demands."

A.A. 12&12, pg 76

It further talks about humility, which is what I need to focus on instead of anger. When I'm afraid I'm not going to get what I want or I'm going to lose something I already have, the only place I can go for help is my Higher Power, for me, God.

Humility is the only way I've found that gives me peace when my mind is doing push ups and then running circles around a problem.
 
In my disease, no matter what I did to make the problem go away, it didn't work. 

My choices can determine how I feel and what I see

My only option is to do the footwork.  I stay on my side of the street,  look at my actions, see what my part in the problem is, make amends when necessary and then ask God to show me what needs to be done next; do I need to do more work, is there anything more he wants me to learn?  Then I end my work with a prayer. 

If I'm able to let it go, I know there is no more work for me to do, other than to move on and do the next right thing.  This may be to help someone else, go to a meeting, make a phone call, etc.  The peace I receive comes because my mind is quiet again and I have the knowledge that God (HP) is in charge (I'm not).

My peace of mind is all about choice.  I can choose to hang on to the anger, which in turn will hold me hostage.  It then ruins my peace of mind and serenity - based on past history, for several days.  Or, I can choose to look at it from another angle, see what my part in it is (probably fear), make amends if necessary and give it to God.  Afterward, I can move on with my life.  This is a totally different behavior from the person I used to be.  My choices in the past would have been to hang on, blame someone else and continue to blame.

Anger may be a natural instinct for the normal person, but it's not something I choose to have in my life today.  I'm an addict, and like resentments, anger can kill.