I can be brutally honest and in the process, hurt the people I care about. It's not done intentionally. Sometimes, the information just comes out of my mouth. Other times, I know what I'm doing but don't know any other way to say what I want.
It's about practice for me. I could never speak up so had to force myself to open my mouth. When I started, it was in meetings - I talked about wanting to recover. The more I did it, the easier it got. And because it was about something I wanted, it was easy to speak my truth.
While doing the Steps, I learned about character defects - my main one being fear. An acronym for FEAR is: False Evidence Appearing Real. If I don't go to God with my fears, they'll continue to grow in my head - sometimes immobilizing me. The 12 steps have helped with this - I can address my fears in a 10-step, looking at what the fears may be about. This action brings me back to reality. I can also talk about them with the people around me who support me. (They help bring clarity to what is going on.) And by talking about what I'm afraid of, the actions help me to become honest in my relationships.
Today, I need to make amends with someone I love and care about. I really don't want to but I need to - for myself and the other person. If I don't do it, ultimately I could lose their respect and trust along with eating again. This is not something I really have a choice about anymore - not if I want to live the life I've been searching for; a life with peace, joy and serenity.
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
A.A. Big Book, pg 58
Honesty is the only choice I have if I want to continue to work my program and be around to enjoy tomorrow.
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