AS BILL SEES IT, Question 15a

Why is growth so important?

If I'm not moving forward, I'm moving backward - it's as simple as that for me.  My recovery requires action - I need to always be doing something to maintain or further my spiritual progress.  If I'm not, I will eat again and "to eat is to die."

If I am spiritually fit, I can do all kinds of things - mostly, stay abstinent.  Further, I will find courage to say I'm sorry, say no, speak up for my rights, push myself to exercise - long enough so I get to the point I enjoy it again!  I also find time to go to my doctors and dentist visits.  (Actually, I'll find time to make the appointments and then go).  I take care of my self physically and emotionally...I can do these things because I feel Gods love, therefore I can love myself. 

When I love me, I can love others and it will come out in my actions and behaviors.  There is no sarcasm and I do things willingly. This is why it's important for me to work my program. 

I am willing to do anything to stop my addiction and the Big Book tells me the only way I can do this is by having a spiritual experience.  "I must not shrink at anything."  (B.B. pg 79)

We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough."

A.A. Big Book, pg 82

I tried to work my program with just the bare essentials - abstinence, meetings and phone calls.  It didn't work.  I kept sliding into an emotional abyss.  The three tools I was using couldn't keep me emotionally stable.  I'd ask God for help but I was only playing lip service - I wanted God to do it my way.  I wasn't ready to give up the control.  Because of this, there was no growth.  I was stagnate - slowly sliding towards relapse.  The only thinking I was doing was self-centered; my EGO was huge.  There was no humility - I wasn't seeking to do God's will and wasn't teachable.

It took an emotional relapse to get my attention.  I knew if I didn't do something, I was headed towards relapse.  (Fortunately, relapse scared me.)

Ultimately, what happened was I had an "out of body" experience.  I saw myself sitting at a meeting and all I was doing was complaining.  It was all about the poor me's;  "So and so did this [to me] and so and so was doing this to me."  It was all about being the victim. 

When I saw my actions (what I was doing and saying), I knew I was on a downward spiral and in trouble; if I didn't change, I was going to eat soon.

The "out of body" experience was one of many gifts my Higher Power gave me several years ago that has helped to change my life.  I was able to recognize what was missing - a spiritual program - and I wanted it.