AS BILL SEES IT, Question 19a

Do you play the big shot, blinded by prideful self-confidence?  In what ways may you be guilty?

Whenever I try to work my program on my own, I am blinded by "prideful self-confidence."  It can sneak into my life in a variety of ways; not making phone calls, going to fewer meetings and wanting more of something that's making me feel good (clothes, shopping, excitement, sex, reading novels, exercise, etc.).

In my fourth step it was suggested I find the root cause of these actions (my character defects).  My first recognition was that I was isolating.  Each one of the behaviors, in some way, shuts me off from something -  I'm isolating from my feelings or others.  When I mentioned this to my sponsor, she pushed me further, asking "what else would you be shut off from?"  It took me awhile, but I finally got it - my Higher Power!  When I'm playing the big shot - when I'm blinded by prideful self-confidence, I'm disconnected from God.  If I'm God-centered, there's no room to be self-centered!

When my self-confidence manifests itself as isolation, I make it all about me.  I don't want to do something - I don't want to feel something - I want to feel better. (I, I, I.)

"...blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could..."

A.A. Big Book, pg 25

This has always been my solution and IT DOESN'T WORK!  

Today I have to set aside what it is I want and continue to do what it is I need for my recovery:

1. I need to listen to the still quiet voice inside - my God voice.  It's my intuitive thought that tells me what I need to do to take care of myself.
2. My quiet time is vital to my being connected to HP (God).  If I'm not connected, there is no peace and serenity.  I lose what I've worked so hard for and NOTHING is worth this loss.
3. I need to listen to my sponsor - she has something I want - it's what drew me to her.  (It's a program of attraction).

Prideful self-confidence is a sign for me that there is something much bigger going on inside.  If I don't address my symptoms right away,  my disease will take over and I'll eventually be back in the food again.