For quite sometime in program, I still believed deep down inside I had control. I thought I was responsible for my abstinence - I had the power. It was because I was under the influence of the diet mentality. My intention while attending the meetings was about the weight - the 12 Steps I was working with my sponsor was just something I was doing because I had to. It was totally separate from the food and my weight. Yes, I weighed and measured my food and called it in but everything was still all about me and what I could do. There was no God (HP) in the picture. ONLY WHEN I GOT INTO TROUBLE, then I cried out for help, resulting in a plea to give me what I wanted or get me out of the pickle I was in - that's when I went to God (HP).
Today is different, ONLY WHEN I GIVE MY LIFE TO GOD (HP). When I do this, give my life to God (HP), it has to be my whole life, not just parts of it. This includes my food. I'll share with you a prayer I've come up with to help me:
"I give you my food God (HP), to do with as you please. As you guide me in my abstinence today, please give me direction for the healthy choices I need in my food plan. Please join me during my meals and help me to enjoy and be filled with the food you helpfully put on my plate. I joyfully ask all this in your name. Amen.
When I surrender completely - then yes, God (HP) is responsible for my abstinence. (I still have to do the footwork-writing it down, weighing and measuring and giving it to my sponsor.)
Sometimes it taken me a long time to learn. It has with my food, especially because it revolves around my weight. Letting go of this outcome [my weight] is hard for me. I don't like watching the numbers on the scale go up and not have a say about it. Trust is involved with this topic - one for another day!
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