Have you truly grown up and realized that you have to change your thinking to meet all conditions? How have you changed? In what ways? Are you finished?
I believed growing up was something that happened as I got older...an automatic thing. In program I learned that while I am actively eating, I stop growing. Considering this and the fact I started binging at seven, I've had a lot of maturing to do!
In the past, if I knew how things were going to go and what to expect I seemed fine. But everything had to be on my terms. My actions showed I was a good person; I helped, did things for people; I cared. Under this facade, I was very controlling. I made sure I knew all the details so if I had to, could manipulate people, places and things to be sure of the outcome. Still, in doing all of this, I had to maintain my outside friendly and helpful appearance. This took a big toll on me inside. Emotionally, I was on the edge all the time. My need to keep a constant vigilance over everything kept me close to having an emotional breakdown. I was eating more and more food and getting less and less of a fix; the food wasn't working for me anymore.
This also took a toll on the people around me; my husband, my children, my friends and my co-workers. While active in my disease, I wasn't aware of how my character defects affected them: I wasn't honest with anyone, I was moody (therefore nobody could do anything right), self-centered, suspicious, inconsiderate, controlling, impatient, evasive, insecure, I spent a lot time worrying, and I definitely played the victim (by talking to others, trying to get them to see my side).
When I started in program, I knew my life had to change. I couldn't live the way I'd been anymore. The pain was unbearable.
The first thing suggested was to go to meetings. I could do that. Then I found a sponsor and started to learn to trust. She suggested I start to work on my abstinence, so we came up with a food plan. Then I began to do the 12 steps. When I got to the third step, I had a hard time. I was mad at God; so many bad things happened in my childhood and I blamed him. (It took me many years to reconcile with this.) I learned a lot about myself in the fourth step - this is where the changes started happening.
I started to see my behaviors and how they were affecting others. I also saw how they were affecting me. I recognized my need to change how I behaved in the past so began to stop and think before I responded. I made phone calls to program friends to ask for help. I started to pray.
My program and I have grown and matured together. Even so, it took me awhile to learn that my spiritual program is just as important as my abstinence. The conscious contact I have with my Higher Power has to be in-penetrable. When I'm feeling at ease inside, I know the connection I've sought is strong. On the other hand, when I'm feeling dis-ease, I know I'm in trouble. It's then I have a lot of work to do. I have no problem telling the difference.
When I wake up each day, I seek to do God's will (my Higher Power's) in all areas of my life. If a problem arises, I pause and ask what his will is for me. The answer does come when I seek it (I have to be quiet to hear).
The changes in my thinking have occurred as a result of this work. They were very subtle and sometimes unrecognizable. I had to have my sponsor and others point them out to me. My job is to just do it and keep doing it.
Today, looking back, I can recognize how I used to be compared to how I am today. The biggest change I notice is the pain is gone. Do I have more work to do? I'll always have work to do - if I want to keep what I have.
I thank God every day for the life I have and the 12 Step programs.
Norinne M.
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