Have you learned how to deal with depression?
No! I've struggled with depression for years - even after being abstinent.
I've been in therapy and it's helped my depression with situational events - the things I've tried to control and couldn't. My depression has never gotten better when I try to make the other person change and they won't.
The doctors have tried to help by giving me medications. I've tried drug after drug after drug in my search. Some have helped but it's never completely gone. I've even tried moving to another state, thinking the change in weather would help. At one point, shock therapy looked like my only option - I'd run out of drugs to try. There seemed to be no other way to lesson the depression.
To feel takes courage. To eat doesn't. I thought my courage came in packages of food. I found out I needed to try everything else so I would be desperate enough to reach out to my Higher Power. It happened when my doctor told me he had no other options other than shock therapy. I had no where else to go.
I started reading the A.A. Big Book and answering questions pertaining to what I read. The questions asked about the allergy and the obsession; how they applied to my life. They made me look at how my life used to be when I was actively eating. I ended up comparing it to what I was doing while "active" in my depression. There was no difference other than the substance! My behaviors were the same - I was making everything be about me again; what I wanted and didn't get, what I thought and nobody agreed with, how I felt and nobody understood and how no one was paying attention to me. I realized I was in an emotional relapse. It was quite an eye opener for me.
As I've continued to do these questions, my life has changed dramatically. My depression has lessened to the point where I'm no longer held hostage by the depression; my last episode on the couch was over three years ago. I didn't have to have shock therapy. The amount of medications I take has been lowered. I'm not at the mercy of the depression or drugs anymore; I take them but they don't control me. If I struggle with anything, God (HP) and the 12 Step program are what I choose to use today.
The question asked if I've learned to deal with depression. I don't have to! I have God (HP) to do it for me.
Norinne M.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
AS BILL SEE IT, Question 2a
Have you surrendered to your Higher Power enough to feel free? If not, what aren't you doing?
I could have sworn I was doing enough while active in my addiction. I was trying to beat the depression. I was trying to stop eating. I was trying to lose weight. In hindsight, I can see my inability was all about SELF and EGO. I was going to the wrong place for help - ME.
I spent my whole life not rocking the boat; trying to create a life without animosity or discord. I needed everything to go smoothly and everyone to get along. In order to maintain all of this, I gave up pieces of myself. My focus was ceaseless; it was about what I wanted. If I didn't prevail, for any reason, I ate.
As hard as I tried, I had very little control - as a child or as an adult. My food, weight, and life were out of control and as a result, I wanted to die.
I need to remember this when I question the daily disciplines I do each day - especially the days I tell myself I'm tired of doing them.
Through these disciplines, I surrender to my Higher Power every day. I give him my life, asking for guidance in everything I do. I pray for acceptance of everything I struggle with (people, places and things) and I pray for patience, love and tolerance in all areas of my life. I ask my Higher Power to walk with me through the day and to fill me with his love and presence. I thank him for all he has done (and is doing) for my family, friends and myself. I ask him to watch over the people on my prayer list.
There are days I have a hard time remembering to pray (during the day). To help remind me, I wear a brightly colored rubber band on my wrist. This helps to catch my eye (and in turn, remind me to pray).
As I surrender today, the gifts that come to mind right away are:
I could have sworn I was doing enough while active in my addiction. I was trying to beat the depression. I was trying to stop eating. I was trying to lose weight. In hindsight, I can see my inability was all about SELF and EGO. I was going to the wrong place for help - ME.
I spent my whole life not rocking the boat; trying to create a life without animosity or discord. I needed everything to go smoothly and everyone to get along. In order to maintain all of this, I gave up pieces of myself. My focus was ceaseless; it was about what I wanted. If I didn't prevail, for any reason, I ate.
As hard as I tried, I had very little control - as a child or as an adult. My food, weight, and life were out of control and as a result, I wanted to die.
I need to remember this when I question the daily disciplines I do each day - especially the days I tell myself I'm tired of doing them.
Through these disciplines, I surrender to my Higher Power every day. I give him my life, asking for guidance in everything I do. I pray for acceptance of everything I struggle with (people, places and things) and I pray for patience, love and tolerance in all areas of my life. I ask my Higher Power to walk with me through the day and to fill me with his love and presence. I thank him for all he has done (and is doing) for my family, friends and myself. I ask him to watch over the people on my prayer list.
There are days I have a hard time remembering to pray (during the day). To help remind me, I wear a brightly colored rubber band on my wrist. This helps to catch my eye (and in turn, remind me to pray).
As I surrender today, the gifts that come to mind right away are:
- I feel freedom from my disease and peaceful inside. The food isn't calling out to me from the cupboards, refrigerator or stores. (I never had this before I surrendered the food and my life to my Higher Power).
- Today I can sit still and enjoy the quiet. (I never sat still, let alone by myself. My brain was constantly humming. If there wasn't something to worry about, I found something to worry about.)
- I can pray and meditate.
- I am able to listen for that still, quiet voice inside of me; the voice that gives me the answers for anything I struggle with or seek.
- I can stay calm and unruffled when my family (3 adults, 3 children and a dog) come to visit for a week. (I can have chaos going on around me and not get caught in it.)
- I can be available for a friend during a medical crisis.
- When needed, I can offer another friend a safe place to go to get abstinent.
- As a sponsor, I can offer loving and sane guidance.
- I've learned about balance - how it's a necessary component to the life I've sought. I'm not living in a world of extremes anymore. I've removed the terms right and wrong from my vocabulary.
- I'm choosing, with the help of my Higher Power, to let go of any behaviors, beliefs, emotions and people that hinder the continual development of my recovery.
" I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life
that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes."
A.A. Big Book, pg 8
Norinne M.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
AS BILL SEES IT, Question 1c
Have you truly grown up and realized that you have to change your thinking to meet all conditions? How have you changed? In what ways? Are you finished?
I believed growing up was something that happened as I got older...an automatic thing. In program I learned that while I am actively eating, I stop growing. Considering this and the fact I started binging at seven, I've had a lot of maturing to do!
In the past, if I knew how things were going to go and what to expect I seemed fine. But everything had to be on my terms. My actions showed I was a good person; I helped, did things for people; I cared. Under this facade, I was very controlling. I made sure I knew all the details so if I had to, could manipulate people, places and things to be sure of the outcome. Still, in doing all of this, I had to maintain my outside friendly and helpful appearance. This took a big toll on me inside. Emotionally, I was on the edge all the time. My need to keep a constant vigilance over everything kept me close to having an emotional breakdown. I was eating more and more food and getting less and less of a fix; the food wasn't working for me anymore.
This also took a toll on the people around me; my husband, my children, my friends and my co-workers. While active in my disease, I wasn't aware of how my character defects affected them: I wasn't honest with anyone, I was moody (therefore nobody could do anything right), self-centered, suspicious, inconsiderate, controlling, impatient, evasive, insecure, I spent a lot time worrying, and I definitely played the victim (by talking to others, trying to get them to see my side).
When I started in program, I knew my life had to change. I couldn't live the way I'd been anymore. The pain was unbearable.
The first thing suggested was to go to meetings. I could do that. Then I found a sponsor and started to learn to trust. She suggested I start to work on my abstinence, so we came up with a food plan. Then I began to do the 12 steps. When I got to the third step, I had a hard time. I was mad at God; so many bad things happened in my childhood and I blamed him. (It took me many years to reconcile with this.) I learned a lot about myself in the fourth step - this is where the changes started happening.
I started to see my behaviors and how they were affecting others. I also saw how they were affecting me. I recognized my need to change how I behaved in the past so began to stop and think before I responded. I made phone calls to program friends to ask for help. I started to pray.
My program and I have grown and matured together. Even so, it took me awhile to learn that my spiritual program is just as important as my abstinence. The conscious contact I have with my Higher Power has to be in-penetrable. When I'm feeling at ease inside, I know the connection I've sought is strong. On the other hand, when I'm feeling dis-ease, I know I'm in trouble. It's then I have a lot of work to do. I have no problem telling the difference.
When I wake up each day, I seek to do God's will (my Higher Power's) in all areas of my life. If a problem arises, I pause and ask what his will is for me. The answer does come when I seek it (I have to be quiet to hear).
The changes in my thinking have occurred as a result of this work. They were very subtle and sometimes unrecognizable. I had to have my sponsor and others point them out to me. My job is to just do it and keep doing it.
Today, looking back, I can recognize how I used to be compared to how I am today. The biggest change I notice is the pain is gone. Do I have more work to do? I'll always have work to do - if I want to keep what I have.
I thank God every day for the life I have and the 12 Step programs.
Norinne M.
I believed growing up was something that happened as I got older...an automatic thing. In program I learned that while I am actively eating, I stop growing. Considering this and the fact I started binging at seven, I've had a lot of maturing to do!
In the past, if I knew how things were going to go and what to expect I seemed fine. But everything had to be on my terms. My actions showed I was a good person; I helped, did things for people; I cared. Under this facade, I was very controlling. I made sure I knew all the details so if I had to, could manipulate people, places and things to be sure of the outcome. Still, in doing all of this, I had to maintain my outside friendly and helpful appearance. This took a big toll on me inside. Emotionally, I was on the edge all the time. My need to keep a constant vigilance over everything kept me close to having an emotional breakdown. I was eating more and more food and getting less and less of a fix; the food wasn't working for me anymore.
This also took a toll on the people around me; my husband, my children, my friends and my co-workers. While active in my disease, I wasn't aware of how my character defects affected them: I wasn't honest with anyone, I was moody (therefore nobody could do anything right), self-centered, suspicious, inconsiderate, controlling, impatient, evasive, insecure, I spent a lot time worrying, and I definitely played the victim (by talking to others, trying to get them to see my side).
When I started in program, I knew my life had to change. I couldn't live the way I'd been anymore. The pain was unbearable.
The first thing suggested was to go to meetings. I could do that. Then I found a sponsor and started to learn to trust. She suggested I start to work on my abstinence, so we came up with a food plan. Then I began to do the 12 steps. When I got to the third step, I had a hard time. I was mad at God; so many bad things happened in my childhood and I blamed him. (It took me many years to reconcile with this.) I learned a lot about myself in the fourth step - this is where the changes started happening.
I started to see my behaviors and how they were affecting others. I also saw how they were affecting me. I recognized my need to change how I behaved in the past so began to stop and think before I responded. I made phone calls to program friends to ask for help. I started to pray.
My program and I have grown and matured together. Even so, it took me awhile to learn that my spiritual program is just as important as my abstinence. The conscious contact I have with my Higher Power has to be in-penetrable. When I'm feeling at ease inside, I know the connection I've sought is strong. On the other hand, when I'm feeling dis-ease, I know I'm in trouble. It's then I have a lot of work to do. I have no problem telling the difference.
When I wake up each day, I seek to do God's will (my Higher Power's) in all areas of my life. If a problem arises, I pause and ask what his will is for me. The answer does come when I seek it (I have to be quiet to hear).
The changes in my thinking have occurred as a result of this work. They were very subtle and sometimes unrecognizable. I had to have my sponsor and others point them out to me. My job is to just do it and keep doing it.
Today, looking back, I can recognize how I used to be compared to how I am today. The biggest change I notice is the pain is gone. Do I have more work to do? I'll always have work to do - if I want to keep what I have.
I thank God every day for the life I have and the 12 Step programs.
Norinne M.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
AS BILL SEES IT, Question 1b
Do you feel that abstinence alone will restore you to sanity? Why?
I've been in program a long time...25 years. During this period, I've struggled with my abstinence; relapsed 3 times, overeaten, undereaten, purged, overexercised and left the program to do it my way. My disease plays games with my head. Has it been easy? NO.
I can be abstinent for a long period of time and as soon as I step on the scale, the craziness will start again. It's a numbers thing. I have a certain number (in my head) I think I should weigh. The farther away I am from it, the more I think I should be there. On the other hand, if I'm close to the number, my head tells me it should be lower - the lower, the better.
Conversely, if something isn't going my way or I'm struggling with depression, the first thing I want to do is reach for the food.
When I'm abstinent and have lost weight, I still may not be happy with how I look. It's because I have a very distorted body image. When I look in the mirror, I see a fat person (even though people I trust tell me I am tall and thin.)
The only solution I've found for this problem is my spiritual program, which I work diligently. When I do, my whole outlook on life changes. I'm at peace with the world and I'm at peace with myself. (I've been given a new set of eyes. They're tinted with love, patience and tolerance, for myself and others.)
When my focus in on what my Higher Power wants from me and for me, nothing else matters. I can stay focused on the day, deal with whatever is put in front of me (not fall apart) and go to bed that night at peace.
Love and peace,
Norinne M.
I've been in program a long time...25 years. During this period, I've struggled with my abstinence; relapsed 3 times, overeaten, undereaten, purged, overexercised and left the program to do it my way. My disease plays games with my head. Has it been easy? NO.
I can be abstinent for a long period of time and as soon as I step on the scale, the craziness will start again. It's a numbers thing. I have a certain number (in my head) I think I should weigh. The farther away I am from it, the more I think I should be there. On the other hand, if I'm close to the number, my head tells me it should be lower - the lower, the better.
Conversely, if something isn't going my way or I'm struggling with depression, the first thing I want to do is reach for the food.
When I'm abstinent and have lost weight, I still may not be happy with how I look. It's because I have a very distorted body image. When I look in the mirror, I see a fat person (even though people I trust tell me I am tall and thin.)
The only solution I've found for this problem is my spiritual program, which I work diligently. When I do, my whole outlook on life changes. I'm at peace with the world and I'm at peace with myself. (I've been given a new set of eyes. They're tinted with love, patience and tolerance, for myself and others.)
When my focus in on what my Higher Power wants from me and for me, nothing else matters. I can stay focused on the day, deal with whatever is put in front of me (not fall apart) and go to bed that night at peace.
Love and peace,
Norinne M.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
AS BILL SEES IT, Question 1a
Do you still believe that excess food is your only problem? Why?
I always thought my problem was about my weight; if I could get the excess weight off, then my problems would disappear. I'd be beautiful; I'd have lots of friends; there would be lots of dates; I'd be happy! I had no idea my being overweight could have anything to do with what I was doing with food.
When I walked into a 12 Step meeting and heard people there talk about being a compulsive overeater, I still wouldn't acknowledge I was one until after listening for several months. I went in with a closed mind. I had my own ideas about what would fix the problem and it's all I was interested in.
Ultimately, I was in enough pain to start listening and became willing to change my eating habits. I refrained from eating any of my binge foods (a definition of abstinence) and started working the steps with a sponsor. Consequently, I was able to recognize my problem wasn't just about my compulsively overeating. It was about me and what I wanted, how I felt; who I trusted (or didn't) and my need to control everything because of my fears.
I learned I have a disease and there are 3 components to it; physical, emotional and spiritual. Losing weight made it easy to understand the physical; it started happening with my abstinence. With the weight loss, I was also starting to understand the emotional; my emotions weren't all over the place anymore. I wasn't crying one moment or hurtling words at someone (like spears) the next.
I wasn't quite sure of the spiritual. I thought I had God in my life, in fact, I went to church as a child and learned all about him. However, I was learning it wasn't quite the same. Spiritual is quite different from religion. (In my spiritual program I can have my own beliefs, not someone else's and it's not affiliated with church.)
The food (and my pain), which brought me to program, has ultimately given me many gifts:
Norinne M.
I always thought my problem was about my weight; if I could get the excess weight off, then my problems would disappear. I'd be beautiful; I'd have lots of friends; there would be lots of dates; I'd be happy! I had no idea my being overweight could have anything to do with what I was doing with food.
When I walked into a 12 Step meeting and heard people there talk about being a compulsive overeater, I still wouldn't acknowledge I was one until after listening for several months. I went in with a closed mind. I had my own ideas about what would fix the problem and it's all I was interested in.
Ultimately, I was in enough pain to start listening and became willing to change my eating habits. I refrained from eating any of my binge foods (a definition of abstinence) and started working the steps with a sponsor. Consequently, I was able to recognize my problem wasn't just about my compulsively overeating. It was about me and what I wanted, how I felt; who I trusted (or didn't) and my need to control everything because of my fears.
I learned I have a disease and there are 3 components to it; physical, emotional and spiritual. Losing weight made it easy to understand the physical; it started happening with my abstinence. With the weight loss, I was also starting to understand the emotional; my emotions weren't all over the place anymore. I wasn't crying one moment or hurtling words at someone (like spears) the next.
I wasn't quite sure of the spiritual. I thought I had God in my life, in fact, I went to church as a child and learned all about him. However, I was learning it wasn't quite the same. Spiritual is quite different from religion. (In my spiritual program I can have my own beliefs, not someone else's and it's not affiliated with church.)
The food (and my pain), which brought me to program, has ultimately given me many gifts:
- It brought me to a 12 Step program seeking help. (To seek help in my past was to be vulnerable and to be vulnerable meant I would be hurt.) The 12 steps opened my eyes to see that it wasn't about the weight and ultimately, not about the food.
- I've been able to put down my addictive substances.
- I've been able to look at what was underneath the need for these substances and heal from it.
- It's also given me a Higher Power (God) I can turn to for help, anytime, anywhere.
- I now have a huge support group I can turn to whenever I need help. (My best friends are in program. I call them my heart sisters.)
- I have open communication with the people in my life, more importantly, my spouse, children, and siblings. The people around me never knew who Norinne was because I never shared that part of me. I was either too afraid or I didn't know who I was .
- I can look in the mirror today and tell myself, "I love you." I can do it without looking away, without anger, without cringing.
Norinne M.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Introduction To The Questions We'll Be Doing
Hi there,
I thought I would explain what it is I'd like to do here.
After being in a 12 Step program for 20 years, it was brought to my attention I wasn't working a spiritual program. I was only playing lip service.
I was shown a way to work my program that has changed my life. This spiritual program has given me miracles I never would have dreamed possible. I'm actively doing it every day as I use the A.A. Big Book, A.A. 12&12 and various other A.A. books.
I'd like to share this amazing process with you. It's done by reading from one of the books listed and then answering a question. If you can, spend some time reflecting on what you read before responding to the question. There are no right or wrong answers.
Also, find a person in program to do them with. Do you have a sponsor? Work with them on these questions.
They changed my life. Hopefully they will change yours too.
The first set of questions we're going to work with are from the A.A. book called AS BILL SEES IT. If you don't have this book, it can be found online, in pdf form (free). The site to go to is:
I thought I would explain what it is I'd like to do here.
After being in a 12 Step program for 20 years, it was brought to my attention I wasn't working a spiritual program. I was only playing lip service.
I was shown a way to work my program that has changed my life. This spiritual program has given me miracles I never would have dreamed possible. I'm actively doing it every day as I use the A.A. Big Book, A.A. 12&12 and various other A.A. books.
I'd like to share this amazing process with you. It's done by reading from one of the books listed and then answering a question. If you can, spend some time reflecting on what you read before responding to the question. There are no right or wrong answers.
Also, find a person in program to do them with. Do you have a sponsor? Work with them on these questions.
They changed my life. Hopefully they will change yours too.
The first set of questions we're going to work with are from the A.A. book called AS BILL SEES IT. If you don't have this book, it can be found online, in pdf form (free). The site to go to is:
http://www.brconline.org/AA/AsBillSeesIt.pdf
In future postings, I will give the current question and my answer.
Norinne M.
Norinne M.
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