AS BILL SEES IT, Question 3a

What pains did you endure before abstinence? 

After coming to fellowship, I struggled for five years trying to make my idea of what abstinence should be work.  It didn't!  Looking back now, I recognize my willingness was conditional.  It had to be on my terms; I still had control. (Also, I was still eating things that were triggering my obsession (my cravings).

I struggled with emotions in all my relationships, especially with my husband and children. One day specifically, our oldest son (who did what he wanted, when he wanted, which created a lot of tension in our home) decided to buy a VCR with money from a job he had.  This posed a new problem because he was already spending a lot of time in front of the TV.  I was distraught, so went up to my bedroom crying.  In the process, I was praying to God, asking for his help.

When my husband came home from work, he found me in the bedroom and asked what the problem was.  I told him about the VCR (and how it was going to cause more problems).  He told me there was no VCR.  (God had answered my prayers.)

The point of all this was my response to the problem - my tears and isolation.  It's how I dealt with anything when I was in the food.  I was either up or I was down. As a result,  I dragged my family right along with me on the roller coaster ride.

Even while in the food, when I asked God for help, I received it.  My problem was I didn't recognize it.  Consequently, I kept reaching for the food.  My despair, while in the food, had no boundaries.

As a result of eating to deal with the emotions, I was extremely overweight.  The weight triggered a sense of unworthiness - in my job and in all of my relationships.  Specifically, I felt I didn't "deserve" to set any boundaries because I wasn't good enough.  I didn't ask for or expect the respect I deserved.  Therefore, I was treated the way I allowed people to treat me. This supported my belief system.  It was a vicious cycle - one that was reinforced by my actions and the reactions of others. 

These are only part of the pains I endured before abstinence. Thankfully, the 12 steps and fellowship helped to break this cycle.