The Big Book says resentments are our number one killer. In my program, if I have a resentment, I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. My resentments come out sideways, I say something sarcastic and end up owing an amends. (I end up with my foot in my mouth!)
I've found that I'm better off doing a 10 step right away. When I do, it forces me to look at my part in what happened (to cause the resentment). I always have a part. Generally it's about me wanting something from the other person, like wanting them to change who they are! My resentments are all about my wants! I can let the resentment go if I'm able to recognize this. If I can't, then I still have more work to do.
What I gain from holding on to the resentment is being able to play the victim...poor me ( In A.A. it's said, "Poor me, Poor me, Pour me a drink.") The victim role allows me to feel sorry for myself. I also get attention...it's negative attention, never the less for me, it's attention. I need to look at why it's necessary to use negative behavior to attain the attention I'm seeking.
What do I lose? Respect from others and ultimately self-respect. I also end up pushing people away because of my behaviors (and eventually the attention I seek). Do I recognize this? No - not if my face is in the food. Which is another thing I lose - the ability to walk away from the food. (When I'm in the food, I certainly don't ask for Gods help and definitely will continue to try to do things on my own).
I have a favorite quote from the A.A. Big Book that helps me:
"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done."
A.A. Big Book, pg 87-88
Foremost, this reminds me to pause. When I do, the burdens I don't realize I've been carrying are lifted from my shoulders. My perspective changes and I am reminded again of the two things that are the most important to me; my spiritual program and my abstinence. The action further helps to remind me (again) to ask God (HP) for help. When I do, all the inconsequential things my disease likes to tell me are important, I'm able to let go of. I'm unburdened and free to enjoy the rest of my day.
Many thanks to God and the 12 step fellowship!
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