AS BILL SEES IT, Question 6b

Do you allow yourself to get angry and accept the fact that this may be a natural instinct?  What do you do when you get angry?

Anger is a mask for my fear.  In the A.A. 12&12, it talks about self-centered fear:

"The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily 
fear that we would lose something we already possessed

or would fail to get something we demanded.  Living upon a basis of

unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance

and frustration.  Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could

find a means of reducing these demands."

A.A. 12&12, pg 76

It further talks about humility, which is what I need to focus on instead of anger. When I'm afraid I'm not going to get what I want or I'm going to lose something I already have, the only place I can go for help is my Higher Power, for me, God.

Humility is the only way I've found that gives me peace when my mind is doing push ups and then running circles around a problem.
 
In my disease, no matter what I did to make the problem go away, it didn't work. 

My choices can determine how I feel and what I see

My only option is to do the footwork.  I stay on my side of the street,  look at my actions, see what my part in the problem is, make amends when necessary and then ask God to show me what needs to be done next; do I need to do more work, is there anything more he wants me to learn?  Then I end my work with a prayer. 

If I'm able to let it go, I know there is no more work for me to do, other than to move on and do the next right thing.  This may be to help someone else, go to a meeting, make a phone call, etc.  The peace I receive comes because my mind is quiet again and I have the knowledge that God (HP) is in charge (I'm not).

My peace of mind is all about choice.  I can choose to hang on to the anger, which in turn will hold me hostage.  It then ruins my peace of mind and serenity - based on past history, for several days.  Or, I can choose to look at it from another angle, see what my part in it is (probably fear), make amends if necessary and give it to God.  Afterward, I can move on with my life.  This is a totally different behavior from the person I used to be.  My choices in the past would have been to hang on, blame someone else and continue to blame.

Anger may be a natural instinct for the normal person, but it's not something I choose to have in my life today.  I'm an addict, and like resentments, anger can kill.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 6a

Have you accepted life on "life's terms" or do your daily problems throw you off kilter?

I'm so grateful to finally be at a spot in my life where I'm able to accept life on life's terms. In the past, anything would send me over the edge.  

Emotionally, I struggled.  When I was in the food, I was emotionally numb... but still controlling.  Even after I put the food down, for many years after, I was a basket case.  I didn't know how to allow myself to feel the emotions.  I fought them.  I spent all of my time trying to run from my feelings.  I thought if I felt them, I would die.   Instead, I was killing my spirit.

Fortunately,  God took over, introduced me to the people in fellowship who could help me with my spiritual program and then encouraged me to work the 12 steps spiritually.

I can't, He can, I think I'll let him.

Once I let go and let God, my depression slowly lifted.  As I continue to rely on God (HP) everyday, I lead a sane and healthy life.  I know that the God of my understanding will take care of me, no matter what.  Any fears I used to have are gone - as long as I ask for help - which I do through my prayers, meditation, reading and writing.  As the A.A. Big Book says, I'm rewarded with a peaceful and serene life, which I have today.

I've been searching for this way of life forever.  It's part of what the big black empty hole inside of me was about.  I'm not willing to go back there (to the pain) again.  So however much time in my day this work takes, I'm willing to do it.

I'd love to hear what your answer is to any of these questions.  Please feel free to post a comment.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 5c

Do you believe life is unfair, or do you simply chalk it off to "life's experience" and learn to grow by it?

The way I look at life today is totally different from twenty years ago (when I first started in fellowship).  If asked this question then, I would have said life was unfair.  In fact, twenty years ago, my belief was, "life's a b-tch and then you die."  (My coffee mug at work had this saying on it.)  I felt I had to wring as much out of life as I could because it was the only enjoyment I was ever going to get.  WATCH everyone and TRUST NO ONE.

Then I got back into the A.A. Big Book and the A.A. 12&12 and started my spiritual journey.

The analogy I use for my life today is a meandering trail, through the woods, over hills, valleys, mountains and streams,  While on my journey, so far, I've come across forks in the road, beautiful vista's, huge boulders blocking the way, wide rivers and fallen trees.

I could let any obstacle (I come across) block me from moving forward on this journey - I have in the past.  Instead, I use the obstacles to learn something from (maybe that's why they're there in the first place!)  I believe God (HP) wants me to use these experiences to learn the following:

• Foremost, he wants me to learn how to ask for help, from him and others.
• He wants me to learn about my strengths and my weaknesses.
• I need to slow down to enjoy my life - the people, places and things going on around me.
• I need to learn about depending on him (trust) - in all areas of my life.  Today my lessons seem to be about financial trust.  In the past it was about abstinence, my children, my health and my husband.  I've done some financial work in the past.  Today it's on a deeper level; I'm releasing more from the material world I live in.

(I'm sure there will be more, that's why my journey will be never-ending...a great benefit of fellowship, abstinence and working a 12 step program.)

I don't chalk any of this up to" life's experiences." If asked, the way I would explain it to someone is that it's Gods (HP) learning experiences.  They are there to help me become the person he wants me to be.

"These work outs should be regarded as part of your education, for thus you will be learning to live.  You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest they will not drag you down.  Instead, you will capitalize them.  A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome."

A.A. Big Book, pg 117 

Each day is a new day on this wonderful journey God (HP) has me on!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 5b

What do you do when anger enters your life?  Are you looking for revenge or have you learned to let go?

In the amazing life I live today, it's not very often I feel anger.  For this I'm very thankful.

When I do, there are several actions I take.

1. I stay abstinent, no matter what.
2. I call my sponsor to talk to her about what is going on. (This is when I usually figure out what is going on in my head.)
3. I call my close program friends to talk to them about what's going on in my head.
4. I journal about it.
5. I read my daily's on the topic of anger (or any other topic that applies).
6. I read the A.A. Big Book.
7. I pray and meditate.
8. I do a ten-step (more than once, if necessary, to chase down the actual cause of my anger).
9. If necessary, I increase the number of meetings I'm attending.

I may repeat the above actions over and over again until I have peace.  I also ask God, in my prayers, if there is anything he wants me to do.  Then I wait for his answer.

"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone..."

A.A. Big Book, pg 84

None of my actions today are to achieve revenge.  I want happiness, peace and serenity - promises made in the Big Book.  To receive this, I have to do the work (action), which I gladly do, one day at a time.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 5a

Are you still holding onto old resentments?  What do you think you have to gain or to lose?

The Big Book says resentments are our number one killer.  In my program, if I have a resentment, I can't seem to keep my mouth shut.  My resentments come out sideways, I say something sarcastic and end up owing an amends.  (I end up with my foot in my mouth!)


I've found that I'm better off doing a 10 step right away.  When I do, it forces me to look at my part in what happened (to cause the resentment).  I always have a part.  Generally it's about me wanting something from the other person, like wanting them to change who they are!  My resentments are all about my wants!  I can let the resentment go if I'm able to recognize this.  If I can't, then I still have more work to do.

What I gain from holding on to the resentment is being able to play the victim...poor me ( In A.A. it's said, "Poor me, Poor me, Pour me a drink.")  The victim role allows me to feel sorry for myself.  I also get attention...it's negative attention, never the less for me, it's attention.  I need to look at why it's necessary to use negative behavior to attain the attention I'm seeking.


What do I lose?  Respect from others and ultimately self-respect.  I also end up pushing people away because of my behaviors (and eventually the attention I seek).  Do I recognize this?  No - not if my face is in the food.  Which is another thing I lose - the ability to walk away from the food.  (When I'm in the food, I certainly don't ask for Gods help and definitely will continue to try to do things on my own).

I have a favorite quote from the A.A. Big Book that helps me:

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.  We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done."

A.A. Big Book, pg 87-88

Foremost, this reminds me to pause.  When I do, the burdens I don't realize I've been carrying are lifted from my shoulders.  My perspective changes and I am reminded again of the two things that are the most important to me; my spiritual program and my abstinence.  The action further helps to remind me (again) to ask God (HP) for help.  When I do, all the inconsequential things my disease likes to tell me are important, I'm able to let go of.  I'm unburdened and free to enjoy the rest of my day.  

Many thanks to God and the 12 step fellowship!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 4c

Have you learned to make the right choices to aid your recovery?  What are they?  Have you become willing to go to any lengths?

The choices I make today are totally different from the ones I made 4 years ago and those are different than the ones I made when I started in fellowship.  These choices I feel are right for me because today I'm walking on a spiritual path with God (HP).  When I started in fellowship, I didn't want anything to do with God or a Higher Power.  I didn't trust anyone or anything.  I was in control and I wasn't ready or willing to relinquish this control.

 Today I choose:

• to have God (HP) in my life and to ask for his directions and help in everything I do.
• to pray in the morning (talk to God) and meditate (listen for God).  I also converse with God during the day; I talk to him about what I'm doing.  I ask for his help.
• to eat abstinently - with a weighed and measured food plan. 
• to practice patience, love and tolerance in all of my relationships and to apologize right away when necessary.  
• to reach out to the still suffering compulsive overeater - in whatever way I can (service); sponsoring, phone calls, email, blogging, newsletter, abstinence and meetings (or whatever God deems necessary).  
• to be honest in all my relationships and most of all, to myself.
• to do my daily disciplines that aid my recovery; use all the tools every day (literature, writing, phone calls, meeting, anonymity, service, plan of eating, sponsorship), 10-step, affirmation, God moment, and benefit of being abstinent.
• to do whatever is necessary to aid my recovery.  I have often said that if my sponsor asked me to go stand on the corner naked, I would (I might balk but I would do it)! 

There are several people I have in my life who support me in my recovery and know what my guidelines are for the kind of life I want to live.  They have my permission to point out anything they see me doing that may conflict with this.  My disease is cunning, baffling and powerful; I need to pull out all the stops to fight it. 

GO TO ANY LENGTHS?  You bet I will.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 4b

Do you feel you were doomed by your compulsion?  What have you done to accept it?

When I treated what I was doing with food, as a problem with weight, I know I was doomed to failure.  Each diet I've been on always produced the same result; gaining all of the weight back plus another 10-15 lbs.  I couldn't see a way out because I thought I'd tried every diet there was.  My diabetes was out of control and I was miserable.  Then someone suggested a 12 step program for compulsive overeating and I felt shame.  I never saw myself as an overeater and I certainly didn't want to admit it to anyone else...but I was desperate.

The very first night I walked through the doors was the beginning of my acceptance.  (At each additional meeting, I have learned to accept more.)  The meetings remind me I have a problem, it's not about my weight and a diet won't fix it.  They also help me to keep my memories green; I need to remember the pain I was in that brought me to my knees (surrender).

Something else I've done to learn to accept the fatality of my disease is my step work through the A.A. Big Book.  Until I did this work, I didn't understand the "grave nature of compulsive overeating [alcoholism]"  A.A. Big Book, pg XVI.  My original intention was to go to meetings, learn what they had to offer, lose the weight and leave.  What I received instead changed my life completely.

I read (and learned) about:

• the mental obsession (my need to eat something whether I'm hungry or not and how it can come out of no where.
• the allergy (to specific substances)
• the phenomenon of craving (physical cravings once I eat my substances)
• what I was doing with food and why I was doing it.

All of this was explained to me in the A.A. Big Book.  It also offered me a solution; if I want to do the work.  After watching people change before my eyes, I wanted what they had.  I saw them get the glow.

"Life will take on new meaning.  To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends - this is an experience you must not miss.  We know you will not want to miss it.  Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives."

A.A. Big Book, pg 89

Watching people in the rooms change and be happy was the biggest turning point for me in my decision to accept the fact that I am a compulsive overeater and need help from the 12 steps and fellowship.  

I was ready to do the work.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 4a

Do you feel you were doomed by your inheritance or maybe by your experiences or surroundings?  Have you allowed this to hold you back?  Why?

I used to blame everything that went wrong in my life - my addiction, the diabetes and the sexual abuse, on my parents and God.  I needed to understand why and the closest I got was to blame someone or something.  I wanted to make some sense out of my past and couldn't.

As I got older, I found blaming others was a way for me not to take responsibility (and then use it as an excuse to eat).  I was angry about the things done to me and what was wrong with me.  I had the "poor me's."  This in turn, allowed me to stay stuck.  Likewise, I used the same excuses in my marriage, work and friendships.  They helped me to push people away.  I hurt (inside), therefore, had no trust. There was no way I was going to allow myself to be vulnerable so used the fat to protect me: I had to shield myself from danger no matter what the cost.  I was not going to allow anyone to see the real me.

Today I recognize my past has helped shape who I am presently; the person God (HP) wants me to be right now.  Through the work I've done with the 12 steps, I now have experience and compassion, hence, I may be able to help someone else with the same history.

I heard someone say at a Big Book weekend, "we are the chosen."  I believe this with all my heart.  I have no doubt that God chose us to walk ahead of others in finding our recovery.  We can then help them by grabbing their hand and showing them the way (Step 12).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 3c

Were you able to turn your life over to a Higher Power on sheer faith alone?  What caused you to have this faith?

When I was first in program, I heard the slogan, "Act As If."  It didn't mean anything to me until I really needed my higher Power the first time.

My husband and I were stuck at our cottage 1 1/2 miles away from civilization, on a dirt road with no telephone:  Our vehicle wouldn't start.  He'd been working on it for over 45 minutes and each time he tried to start it, the engine wouldn't turn over.  Because we were supposed to be home at a specific time (his children from a previous marriage were going to be returned then), I was getting more and more upset.

My anxiety was so bad, I decided to surrender.  For the first time since joining program, I asked God (HP) for help.  I remember thinking, "God, they tell me to act as if, so I need to trust (you).  Please help us to get the van running so we can get home in time for the boys."

I remember very clearly where I was sitting when this took place.  I was on our outside steps, facing my husband while praying to God.  Shortly after I said the prayer, the van started.

Such occurrences have happened for me each time I've tried since.   As a result, over time, the experiences have made it easier for me to trust God (HP).  With trust, came my faith.

I know, down to my very core, that God will take care of me.  I also recognize (and accept) the results may not always be the way I want them to be.

My belief and acceptance didn't happen overnight.  It's come about as I've grown into the spiritual being I am today.  I am a wondrous spiritual being, evolving - as long as I work my program.

I look forward to seeing what's next!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 3b

What pains did you endure before serenity?  Did you find serenity by simply being abstinent?

I came in believing that everything I sought was tied to my weight - mainly my happiness. After being in the rooms for awhile, I learned it wasn't about the weight, it was about the food.  So again, I tied everything I sought to my abstinence.  I thought that once I achieved abstinence and stayed that way for awhile, my life would turn around and the happiness I sought would finally be achieved.

For awhile I was surface happy.  I lost the weight I wanted and was able to wear smaller, more appealing clothes. I felt attractive.  Then, the "newness" of all that wore off; there's only so many clothes I can buy. I stopped getting attention from people around me (about the weight loss).  I was back to "everyday" life.

As a result, I recognized I had a problem; I had everything I wanted, yet I was miserable.  I had no peace or serenity; only depression.  My glass was half full.

"...(I) may be suffering from an illness which only 

a spiritual experience will conquer."

A.A. Big Book, pg 44

I wasn't doing anything at the time to work my spiritual program.  The only actions I was taking was going to meetings, abstinence, calling my sponsor, phone calls, sponsoring, service (at the intergroup and meeting level) and periodically working the steps.  Oh...I also begged God to help me when I felt backed into a corner with my problems.

It was my wanting more than the life I was living that forced me to seek the life I am enjoying today.  Thank you God (HP).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 3a

What pains did you endure before abstinence? 

After coming to fellowship, I struggled for five years trying to make my idea of what abstinence should be work.  It didn't!  Looking back now, I recognize my willingness was conditional.  It had to be on my terms; I still had control. (Also, I was still eating things that were triggering my obsession (my cravings).

I struggled with emotions in all my relationships, especially with my husband and children. One day specifically, our oldest son (who did what he wanted, when he wanted, which created a lot of tension in our home) decided to buy a VCR with money from a job he had.  This posed a new problem because he was already spending a lot of time in front of the TV.  I was distraught, so went up to my bedroom crying.  In the process, I was praying to God, asking for his help.

When my husband came home from work, he found me in the bedroom and asked what the problem was.  I told him about the VCR (and how it was going to cause more problems).  He told me there was no VCR.  (God had answered my prayers.)

The point of all this was my response to the problem - my tears and isolation.  It's how I dealt with anything when I was in the food.  I was either up or I was down. As a result,  I dragged my family right along with me on the roller coaster ride.

Even while in the food, when I asked God for help, I received it.  My problem was I didn't recognize it.  Consequently, I kept reaching for the food.  My despair, while in the food, had no boundaries.

As a result of eating to deal with the emotions, I was extremely overweight.  The weight triggered a sense of unworthiness - in my job and in all of my relationships.  Specifically, I felt I didn't "deserve" to set any boundaries because I wasn't good enough.  I didn't ask for or expect the respect I deserved.  Therefore, I was treated the way I allowed people to treat me. This supported my belief system.  It was a vicious cycle - one that was reinforced by my actions and the reactions of others. 

These are only part of the pains I endured before abstinence. Thankfully, the 12 steps and fellowship helped to break this cycle.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 2c

Have you felt the presence of God?  What did you do to reach this point?

I feel the presence of God to the very core of me - every day I work my program.  What I mean by program is all aspects of my program, not just one or two things that suit me; like going to a meeting and being abstinent. For me, a hard core compulsive overeater/food addict, I have to work the 3 components (physical, emotional and spiritual) everyday.  I do this is by using the tools and inviting God (HP) into my life and asking him for help.

One of my favorite things to do is prayer and meditation.  I've been fortunate to have a separate room in my home where I can go to do this.  I have a chair that's placed in front of a window.  I read my morning daily readers there and when I find something I really like, I write on it.  Then I meditate and ask God for his guidance.

Another practice I partake in is reading the A.A. Big Book.  I can't tell you how many times I've read it - each time I do, I see something new. This practice has helped me with my program, life and with sponsoring. Every time I read the Big Book, I'm able to get grounded.  The readings, no matter what they are, remind me what the most important thing in my life is...my spiritual program and my sobriety.  I walk away with peace and purpose.

When there are program conventions, retreats, marathons or workshops, I go.  My mind and soul crave the "energy" I get from attending these functions.  I love to hear what works for other people and how program has helped to change their lives.  Participating helps my recovery tremendously.  I forget about the craziness that's going on outside the rooms.  These activities enable me to feel enriched and renewed.

There are many sites on the web where I go to listen to program speakers.  They offer a variety of topics and a choice of 12 step programs. I often download them to my computer as well as make a CD so I can listen to them whenever I'm driving.  Repeatedly listening to them offers me the opportunity to hear what I missed previously (and gives me the message I need to hear over and over again)!

Service is the principle of step 12 and ensures my recovery.  One way I do service is on the local level.  I'm active in our intergroup; I produce the on-line newsletter and am an intergroup representative.  I've helped to start a local meeting and worked with intergroup to get retreats started in our area.

On the meeting level, I attend three - four meetings weekly and am willing to lead whenever a leader is needed.  I sign up ahead of time to show my commitment to be there.  When asked to be a speaker, I never say no.  I volunteer to carpool with newcomers: In truth, my effort is to help bring them back to our meetings.  I also sponsor.

There is something I was taught in the A.A. rooms - never to say "no" when asked to do any form of service.  My prayer to God (HP) is to help me say "yes," even when I want to say no and that my disease or EGO will never get in the way.

May my answer to their question always be a reminder to me of where I'm at (or may not be) with my spiritual program.