AS BILL SEES IT, Question 22a

Do you still possess unsatisfied demands?  What are they?  How can you get rid of them?  If you have none, how did you let them go?

Today I have no demands - satisfied or not.  This all changed for me many months ago when I made a list of all the things I wanted (and wasn't getting).

I took the items on the list and separated them into 2 lists:  Needs and Wants.  I had to determine which ones  I needed and which ones I wanted.  When I was done, I had a rude awakening - I noticed all of the items were on my wants list, not on the needs list.  Then I realized God has given me everything I've needed.

Next, I started thinking about the things on the list I haven't gotten (my wants) and started asking myself some questions:

• Is there something I need to do - some action I need to take?  
• Do I really want this item?  
• If I really want this, what am I willing to do for it?  
• Am I willing to pray and ask God to show me what his will is for me?
• Am I willing to wait for it (obviously God thinks I need to for some reason)

Next, I prayed for God's will for me regarding the balance of my "wants" list.  By praying, I was able to let go of my "unsatisfied demands".  Now, if something pops up from the material world, I follow the same process.  This process makes it easier for me to let go.

I have to say this has been a process - getting to a point in my life where I am open and willing to do all of this.  I had to be on a spiritual plane to be able to get here - and have the willingness to do the work.  I could not, nor would not, have been capable of doing any of this five years ago.  If you are not here yet, keep working at it.  It's worth it.  You're worth it!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 21c

Have you found an equal balance joining program and the outside world?  In which ways?

It's taken me a long time to find an equal balance between program and the outside world.  It seemed like it was always fighting me (the outside world), whenever I tried to balance the two.  Any time I tried to share part of myself with the outside world - the outside world wanted more.  If I gave more, the outside world wanted even more.  Suffice to say, my program suffered and my life always ended up unbalanced.

UNTIL I started working a Spiritual program.  When I sought God, invited him into all areas of my life, asked him for help with everything; changes started happening.  A peace slowly settled over me.  Things started to bother me less; it didn't matter what others thought or said.  I stopped having an agenda.  Money lost it's importance.  Anger started to dissipate.

Now I ask God what it is I need to do - for program and for others outside of program.  Then I wait for an answer.

"The answers will come if your own house is in order."

A.A. Big Book, pg 164

I am receiving answers.  When I struggle with having to make a decision (in all areas of my life, not just program) I ask my Higher Power for help.  The answers come! 

Just lately I felt the need to go to a program convention.  It fell on the weekend of my wedding anniversary so I asked God what I should do.  The answer I received was to talk to my husband, tell him how I was feeling and what I needed.  Further, I had to ask him how he felt about my being gone on our special day.  I  had to be open to not going if he was upset by it.  I was able to go and we celebrated the following weekend.

When I ask, sit back and listen...and most of all, am patient, the answers come.  BUT FIRST, I have to be abstinent.

This program is amazing.  Everyday I am learning and growing, thanks to my Higher Power and the people in the rooms.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 21b

Do you now feel safe in the outside world?  How, why & when?

How safe I feel is in direct proportion to how strong my spiritual program is.  If I'm working it diligently - praying and meditating everyday, asking for help from my Higher Power - reading and writing, using the A.A. Big Book and the A.A. 12&12 AND am abstinent, then I'm safe wherever I go.

All of these actions, ensure my Higher Power is with me and in turn, provide safety in the outside world.   It's when I don't do them on a daily basis, I feel unsafe.  The fear starts creeping in, I start to worry about the future and I can't let go of the things that happened yesterday.  My mind starts the crazy talk - the voices start yammering.  

When it comes down to it, the work doesn't require much effort to ensure my safety and the freedom I've been given (compared to what I used to go through to get my fix in the past).  At first it may seem to for a newcomer because it requires change.  Whenever there is change - thought is required - along with vigilance.

As with anything new, continued practice can create habits. It's definitely worth the effort. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 21a

Have you taken your life into program or have you taken your program into life?  What is the difference?

My program comes first, no matter what.  This means I have to take my program into life.  (If I don't have a program, I won't have a life).

I've tried many times to fit program into my life instead of the other way around.  This meant I didn't give the time necessary to program.  I didn't give it top priority.  Instead, my time was given to outside issues.  Everything else became more important and I lost my focus - which is to stay abstinent.

Food became more important.  I forgot about the pain from my binging; I forgot how much material possessions and money controlled my thoughts and I forgot how the obsession to have more consumed my every thought.  Eventually program went by the wayside and food took over again.  I was back into my more syndrome;  a full fledged relapse.

So far, this has happened twice.  (I'm a slow learner).  The bottom line is I need to work my program 100% of the time - everywhere I go - no vacations or time off allowed.  Then, whatever time I have left can be applied to other activities - like life.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 20c

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!  

 

Do the same to the third section of the Serenity Prayer.

"And wisdom to know the difference."

Sometimes (in my recovery) there is a time to shut up and listen and then other times it's OK to speak.  How do I know what to do when?  It comes from prayer and meditation, working the steps with my sponsor, abstinence, attending meetings, listening, asking for help and trusting the process.

Wisdom to know the difference did not happen overnight for me.  It came from doing the work.  The A.A. Big Book mentions the "intuitive thought."  I had this but didn't trust it.  This is because I had to do all of the work first.  I had to get abstinent and work the steps before I could understand it was my Higher Power talking to me. 

When I finally started working a spiritual program and actually felt Gods love inside of me - that's when I was able to love myself.  After this happened, I listened to the intuitive thought and trusted.  

I heard and I believed.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 20b

Do the same to the second section of the Serenity Prayer.

"courage to change the things I can."

Fear likes to "rear it's ugly head" in my life.  As a characteristic of my disease, it stops me from taking care of myself and growing.  When I grow, the disease lessons.  On the other hand, when I can't seem to get myself to do something because of being afraid, it's an opportune time to beat myself up.  This then becomes a feeding ground for my disease to thrive.

Courage to work through something that scares the heck out of me is pretty empowering!  Finding this courage came with help from my Higher Power, prayer, abstinence and the 12 steps. Prior to this, what I tried to use to empower me was food - all the food gave power to was my disease, which in turn, encouraged me to hide.  The more I ate, the more I wanted to hide.  The more I hid, the more I wanted to eat.  It was a vicious cycle.

(God grant me the) courage to change the things I can is a prayer in itself.  There is footwork I need to do - changing the things I can is part of this footwork and action comes into play (our newest tool).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 20a

The Serenity Prayer is divided into three (3) sections.  Break it down and take the first section.  What does it mean to you?  How do you relate?  How do you work it into your life?  Do you use it to your best advantage?

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"

Working my program, day in and day out, for as many years as I've been around the rooms, has given me the opportunity to learn quite a few things about acceptance.  I would call it the school of hard knocks  because I was constantly trying to change things I had no control over.  I had a hard time accepting anything not going the way I wanted or thought they should - it's been one of my worst defects.  Of course, I would eat over it and ended up one hundred pounds overweight!

The 12 steps have taught me I need to "turn it over," anything bothering me, to a Higher Power.  Afterward, I need to find peace sitting with my decision.  This is where the first part of the serenity prayer works for me.

When I say "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change," what I'm really doing is asking God for help with my decision (I can't do this God, so I'm giving it to you) and telling him I need help to be OK (with the decision).

Afterward, I don't want to take any part of this decision back and the addictive part of me (the disease) does.  So I have to continue to take action.  The action is asking God for more help.  I'm reaffirming my decision and speaking up to my disease.  I also want peace, therefore, the first line of the prayer; "God, grant me the serenity..."

My first line of defense comes from God, if I ask for it.  My part (the foot work) is asking for it.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 19c

Are you grateful for your success in program or do you take it for granted?

There was a time I didn't think much about where I came from (the pain) and how much better my life is.  I took my life and my recovery for granted.  I became complacent.  So when I received some medical news about myself that wasn't positive, I fell apart and went into an emotional relapse.

I couldn't understand why (something like this) would happen to me, especially when I was doing everything I was supposed to do.  (I'd been abstinent and following a specific food plan for over 13 years.)  I did what the doctors wanted - what happened?

This time period, ultimately, changed my whole life.  Someone called and asked if I would help her.  In the end, she's the one who helped me.  She had something I wanted - a spiritual program.  God got my attention.  I realized I'd been working a physical program only, not a spiritual one.

I am working a spiritual program today because of this messenger.  I also don't take my program for granted anymore.  (This is not to say I do everything perfectly.)

Instead of seeing what I can get out of life, my goal today is to see what I can give or bring to life.  A question I ask myself is, "How can I help someone today?"  I don't consciously have to ask it anymore - it happens automatically now.  I also ask, "What would God (HP) want me to do in this situation?"

We never know how we'll affect someone's life.  This summer I was able to see my brother for the first time in eight years.  (It has been his drug use that's kept us apart).

One of the last times I saw him, I gave him a couple of 12 Step books - the A.A. Big Book and a Narcotics Anonymous book.  I also talked to him about program and how it's affected my life. 

This summer he told me he's been clean for three years (he still has his N.A. book.)  I mention this because my brother has been using since he was in his teens - he's now 54.  There have been many prayers said in our family for him and lots of fears when the phone rang - especially during the times when we didn't know where he was.  I knew there was nothing more I could do for him and worrying wasn't going to help my program - so I gave him to God - to do with as he wished.

When I said goodbye this summer I told him I loved him.  Physically, I don't know where my brother is now.  I do know he's in God's hands.

No, I don't take anything for granted anymore.  I'm grateful for all my Higher Power has given me, as I walk with him hand in hand, on this wonderful journey called RECOVERY.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 19b

Have you taken insurance against the dangers of bigshotism?

The insurance I've taken out is with the 12 Step Recovery program and the premiums I gladly pay are:

1. Prayer and meditation (Higher Power/God)
2. Abstinence
3. 12 Steps

The currency (tools) I use are:  meetings, phone calls, anonymity, literature, service, sponsorship, writing and action.

These tools help support my recovery; they don't give me recovery.  This can only happen if I'm abstinent.  When I have the clarity to be able to hear God/HP, with it comes the ability to go to him for help with everything.  I have to be left out of the picture completely.

This was the problem I had: I was always in the middle of everything - controlling and running the show.  Nothing went on around me that I didn't have my hand in.  No one could do anything right.  I was miserable and everyone around me was miserable.

Thankfully, it doesn't have to be this way anymore.  This is a program of action and I choose to follow it One Day At A Time.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 19a

Do you play the big shot, blinded by prideful self-confidence?  In what ways may you be guilty?

Whenever I try to work my program on my own, I am blinded by "prideful self-confidence."  It can sneak into my life in a variety of ways; not making phone calls, going to fewer meetings and wanting more of something that's making me feel good (clothes, shopping, excitement, sex, reading novels, exercise, etc.).

In my fourth step it was suggested I find the root cause of these actions (my character defects).  My first recognition was that I was isolating.  Each one of the behaviors, in some way, shuts me off from something -  I'm isolating from my feelings or others.  When I mentioned this to my sponsor, she pushed me further, asking "what else would you be shut off from?"  It took me awhile, but I finally got it - my Higher Power!  When I'm playing the big shot - when I'm blinded by prideful self-confidence, I'm disconnected from God.  If I'm God-centered, there's no room to be self-centered!

When my self-confidence manifests itself as isolation, I make it all about me.  I don't want to do something - I don't want to feel something - I want to feel better. (I, I, I.)

"...blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could..."

A.A. Big Book, pg 25

This has always been my solution and IT DOESN'T WORK!  

Today I have to set aside what it is I want and continue to do what it is I need for my recovery:

1. I need to listen to the still quiet voice inside - my God voice.  It's my intuitive thought that tells me what I need to do to take care of myself.
2. My quiet time is vital to my being connected to HP (God).  If I'm not connected, there is no peace and serenity.  I lose what I've worked so hard for and NOTHING is worth this loss.
3. I need to listen to my sponsor - she has something I want - it's what drew me to her.  (It's a program of attraction).

Prideful self-confidence is a sign for me that there is something much bigger going on inside.  If I don't address my symptoms right away,  my disease will take over and I'll eventually be back in the food again. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 18c

What is unconditional love?  Have you learned to love unconditionally?

I believe unconditional love is when someone can accept another warts and all.   For me, this means no matter how many faults someone has, I will still love them.

It's a funny thing - unconditional love.  I have always loved my parents unconditionally - even though they hurt me deeply during my childhood.  The thing is, I didn't trust them.  So it's possible to love unconditionally but there is an important key I learned in program.  I have to add trust to it.

By working the 12 Steps, all of them, and having a Higher Power, I've learned to trust again.  It's important to know what it means to really be loved unconditionally by someone and trusting them - there is a difference.  Members have shown me how to trust again - I know there are good people in the world who truly care about me, love me AND, I believe them.

My unconditional love started to evolve with my husband and children - I was able to give them unconditional love.  It then went on to include my sponsor.  Now it has encompassed my sponsees and many other members of program.  The funny thing about all of this is these people are not perfect!  (They don't have to be).   

Having a Higher Power in my life and knowing he loves me has triggered this.  Because I feel his unconditional love, it doesn't matter what others do.  I know I will be OK because I have God (HP) inside of me - nobody can take that away.  I know God (HP) will take care of me no matter what.

I don't have the fears I used to have before program.  I can also see the promises coming true in my life today - all because of the unconditional love I received when I first walked through the doors.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 18b

How simple are you keeping your program?  Your life?  Do you tend to complicate things?

My program is very simple today.  I live it One Day At A Time, with God (HP) by my side, abstinently.

I've been abstinent for so long, I know what my standard abstinent meal options are and the food is always available in my home.  (My husband is not responsible for my meals but has been helping me cook abstinently over the years).

I spend an hour during the morning in quiet time - doing prayer and meditation, along with questions.  They help me with my spiritual program - keeping me in contact with God (HP).  When I can do this, the rest of my life runs smoothly.

The only time I complicate things is when I'm stressed - this happens when I'm disconnected from God.  When it occurs, I haven't taken enough time out for myself and I'm rushing.  I also haven't asked God (HP) for help.

The important thing is taking time out for working my program.  If I don't, everything then becomes all about me - what I want, what I'm doing, what I can't do, what someone is doing to me, etc.  I've become self-centered instead of God-centered.  I've lost my peace of mind, serenity and any enjoyment in the life I have - because I've taken back control.  So by making everything about me again, I've lost everything I wanted and sought.

The way I get it back is by pausing, just like the Big Book says:

"As we go through the day we pause when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the 

right thought or action, we constantly remind ourselves we are no longer

running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy

will be done.'  We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear,

anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions."

A.A. Big Book, pg 87-88

It's so much easier to be living on a spiritual plane.  My days are carefree - I have no concerns and I go to bed peacefully at night 

If I can live my life each day, seeking to do Gods will in all areas of my life, I receive the peace and serenity I've craved, every day of my life.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 18a

How well are you sponsoring?  Are you giving quality time?  Are you giving what is needed?


Right now I am sponsoring three people in the fellowship.  I talk to God (HP) about what to do with each sponsee; whether to sponsor them, how to talk with them, what kind of homework assignments to give, what I should do when they are having a hard time, how I should handle the situation when I know they aren't being honest, or what to do when they're using again - I ask God (HP) to use me as an instrument in their recovery and recognize this is all my responsibility is.

"The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God...(pg 98)...Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people.  It is dependent upon his relationship with God.  (pg 99-100)
A.A. Big Book 

It can be so easy for me to fall into the trap of telling my sponsees what to do.  Instead, the Big Book has taught me that reliance upon God (HP) is where recovery comes from.  The only way I can truly help my sponsees, is to let them learn this - not tell them what to do.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 17c

How honest are you with others?


I can be brutally honest and in the process, hurt the people I care about.  It's not done intentionally.  Sometimes, the information just comes out of my mouth.  Other times, I know what I'm doing but don't know any other way to say what I want.

It's about practice for me.  I could never speak up so had to force myself to open my mouth.  When I started, it was in meetings -  I talked about wanting to recover.  The more I did it, the easier it got.  And because it was about something I wanted, it was easy to speak my truth.

While doing the Steps, I learned about character defects - my main one being fear.  An acronym for FEAR is:  False Evidence Appearing Real.  If I don't go to God with my fears, they'll continue to grow in my head - sometimes immobilizing me.  The 12 steps have helped with this - I can address my fears in a 10-step, looking at what the fears may be about.  This action brings me back to reality.  I can also talk about them with the people around me who support me.  (They help bring clarity to what is going on.)  And by talking about what I'm afraid of, the actions help me to become honest in my relationships. 

Today, I need to make amends with someone I love and care about.  I really don't want to but I need to -  for myself and the other person.  If I don't do it, ultimately I could lose their respect and trust along with eating again.  This is not something I really have a choice about anymore - not if I want to live the life I've been searching for; a life with peace, joy and serenity. 

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.

A.A. Big Book, pg 58

Honesty is the only choice I have if I want to continue to work my program and be around to enjoy tomorrow.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 17b

Explain the deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves.  Are you guilty of this?

When I am trying to fool someone else by telling a lie or with evasion, I've already fooled myself into believing this falsehood.  The deception has to become my truth before I can try to convince anyone else.

I've been guilty many times in my past of what I would have called sugar coating the truth - I wouldn't have said I was lying.  I may have admitted I was stretching the truth if caught, but only if backed into a corner.  In both cases, it was to get things to go my way.  Whenever I didn't tell the truth, it was always to get my way.  [ I would label my behavior controlling and manipulation.]

• I lied about my food -  what I was eating and not eating, 
• I lied to my husband about what I spent while shopping, 
• I lied to myself about not having a problem with food.  
• When I play "dumb," it's a form of lying.  
• Withholding my emotions is a form of lying.

Do I deceive myself today?  Yes.  I still have character defects.  Not all of the same ones I came into program with.  They're also not as frequent.  With my Higher Powers help and working the 12 Step program, I am working on letting them go, slowly and in God's (HP's) time.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 17a

How well do you utilize a daily inventory?

I do spot check inventories everyday along with 10 steps when necessary.  If during my spot check, something is bothering me and I can't let it go, I'll do a 10 step inventory.

 I find myself hesitant to do a 10 step inventory  -  I'm not sure why.  It may be my needing to sit down and taking time to do it.  In reality, I think it's because I have to look at my part in whatever is going on.  This means I have to own my actions and feelings.  It may require [and generally does] my needing to make an amends.  I know I still have a hard time with doing these!  Just yesterday I needed to make one and ended up with a fight going on inside of me  -  the healthy me was telling the disease we were going to make the amends and why.  The disease was telling me why it wasn't necessary to do the amend.

It's interesting to look back on it today and see all of the shenanigans my disease was going through to not make the amend.  I talked to one person [intentionally] to see if they would tell me I didn't have to do it  -  they didn't mention it at all!  If the diseased voice were to "win out," I would have called a few more people to try and find someone to tell me I didn't need to make the amend.  In the end, I made several program outreach phone calls and then called the person and made the amend.

The bottom line for me is that I do the inventories as often as I need them.  It's when my gut is disturbed and I need to settle my thoughts.  I can't be close to my Higher Power when my mind is somewhere else.  I have to get myself to a place where I can "Let Go" and find peace.  My peace comes from God (HP).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 16c

Do you believe that God is responsible for your abstinence and why?

For quite sometime in program, I still believed deep down inside I had control.  I thought I was responsible for my abstinence - I had the power.  It was because I was under the influence of the diet mentality.  My intention while attending the meetings was about the weight - the 12 Steps I was working with my sponsor was just something I was doing because I had to.  It was totally separate from the food and my weight.  Yes, I weighed and measured my food and called it in but everything was still all about me and what I could do.  There was no God (HP) in the picture.  ONLY WHEN I GOT INTO TROUBLE, then I cried out for help, resulting in a plea to give me what I wanted or get me out of the pickle I was in - that's when I went to God (HP).

Today is different, ONLY WHEN I GIVE MY LIFE TO GOD (HP).  When I do this, give my life to God (HP), it has to be my whole life, not just parts of it.  This includes my food.  I'll share with you a prayer I've come up with to help me:

"I give you my food God (HP), to do with as you please.  As you guide me in my abstinence today, please give me direction for the healthy choices I need in my food plan.  Please join me during my meals and help me to enjoy and be filled with the food you helpfully put on my plate.  I joyfully ask all this in your name.  Amen.

When I surrender completely - then yes, God (HP) is responsible for my abstinence. (I still have to do the footwork-writing it down, weighing and measuring and giving it to my sponsor.)

Sometimes it taken me a long time to learn.  It has with my food, especially because it revolves around my weight.  Letting go of this outcome [my weight] is hard for me.  I don't like watching the numbers on the scale  go up and not have a say about it.  Trust is involved with this topic - one for another day!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 16b

What is your reaction to never eating like a normal eater?

When I first started coming to program and heard about members abstaining from specific foods, I was angry.  I didn't want anyone to mess with my food  -  I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO TAKE MY FIX AWAY.  It's because I was active - face first in the food.  I had no clarity of mind and nothing to compare my life with.  I had no idea what it would be like to live life abstinently.

Then I saw and heard the changes in members who were abstinent.  It was a great motivator.  I wanted what they had and became willing to do whatever I had to receive what I saw on their faces - joy, peace and serenity.

The journey I've been on since has been very rewarding. As much as I hate CHANGE, my recovery is very important to me. What I once thought was not normal [the new way I learned to eat] has become normal for me:  I see no difference anymore between how I eat compared to anyone else.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 16a

What is your opinion of the 24-hour concept?

Whoever came up with this idea (they had to be one of us) was brilliant.

I can do something, if it's only for 24 hours.  If I have to think about doing it for the rest of my life, it's the surest way to discourage me from wanting to continue.

When I was told I needed to give up sugar and flour, it seemed daunting.  I couldn't comprehend how I  would do it - how could I for a day, let alone a lifetime?

My sponsor and the people helping me, broke it down into time increments.  All I had to worry about was what I was going to do that day.  I was told to "plan what I eat and eat what I plan."  It was that simple.  They helped me to figure out what foods were safe for me to eat and then do it one day at a time.

I've been able to do it for most of the last twenty eight years.  It works if you work it.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 15c

Have you put any limit on your physical, emotional or spiritual growth and why?

The only limits that can be put on my physical, emotional or spiritual growth are put there by me.  I can see the vastness of my recovery being boundless and therefore, choose to have no limits.

I feel such warmth and excitement when I think about where my recovery may take me.  It's because of two things:  1.)  God (HP) being by my side - knowing he's with me every step of the way and 2.)  looking back to see how far I've come.

Through prayer and meditation, God (HP) has given me so many exciting ideas for my future; things I haven't done yet, things I've never dreamed of doing and some I've started to implement. My life is exciting and full today.  If anyone told me this a year ago, I would have laughed.

Even so, there are some changes I still need to make, things I need to let go of - material items and character defects. (I hear about the work I need to do in my meditations). 

Change is hard for me!  Sometimes I kick, scream, and pout.  I still do the work because I know the end result is where I crave to be.  I refuse to go back to the pain I came in with.  As hard as it is, the freedom I feel when I do is indescribable.  It's almost like losing another pound of weight.

Additionally, my fear of not having enough continues to lessen.  I'm learning I need to cling to God (HP)- which actually happens the more I let go of the material world.   

The more I let go, the more I get  -  one of the 12 Step paradoxes!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 15b

Why do you think we will never reach perfection?

Perfection would make me God-like and there is no way on Earth this could happen.  What I can do, is strive to seek and do God's will each day.  This is all I my Higher Power expects from me.

I heard someone say, "We are born perfect."  I have no chance of maintaining this perfection - there are too many things in society and the world to confuse and tempt me.    An example is how in my pain, I sought to make it go away with substances that fed my addiction.

Today, I've found there are other options.  The 12 Step Program has shown me a better way, through the steps and a Higher Power.  The pain is gone and I have peace and serenity each day I seek help from my Higher Power.

I don't need to seek perfection, I need to seek my Higher Power's will, ONE DAY AT A TIME.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 15a

Why is growth so important?

If I'm not moving forward, I'm moving backward - it's as simple as that for me.  My recovery requires action - I need to always be doing something to maintain or further my spiritual progress.  If I'm not, I will eat again and "to eat is to die."

If I am spiritually fit, I can do all kinds of things - mostly, stay abstinent.  Further, I will find courage to say I'm sorry, say no, speak up for my rights, push myself to exercise - long enough so I get to the point I enjoy it again!  I also find time to go to my doctors and dentist visits.  (Actually, I'll find time to make the appointments and then go).  I take care of my self physically and emotionally...I can do these things because I feel Gods love, therefore I can love myself. 

When I love me, I can love others and it will come out in my actions and behaviors.  There is no sarcasm and I do things willingly. This is why it's important for me to work my program. 

I am willing to do anything to stop my addiction and the Big Book tells me the only way I can do this is by having a spiritual experience.  "I must not shrink at anything."  (B.B. pg 79)

We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough."

A.A. Big Book, pg 82

I tried to work my program with just the bare essentials - abstinence, meetings and phone calls.  It didn't work.  I kept sliding into an emotional abyss.  The three tools I was using couldn't keep me emotionally stable.  I'd ask God for help but I was only playing lip service - I wanted God to do it my way.  I wasn't ready to give up the control.  Because of this, there was no growth.  I was stagnate - slowly sliding towards relapse.  The only thinking I was doing was self-centered; my EGO was huge.  There was no humility - I wasn't seeking to do God's will and wasn't teachable.

It took an emotional relapse to get my attention.  I knew if I didn't do something, I was headed towards relapse.  (Fortunately, relapse scared me.)

Ultimately, what happened was I had an "out of body" experience.  I saw myself sitting at a meeting and all I was doing was complaining.  It was all about the poor me's;  "So and so did this [to me] and so and so was doing this to me."  It was all about being the victim. 

When I saw my actions (what I was doing and saying), I knew I was on a downward spiral and in trouble; if I didn't change, I was going to eat soon.

The "out of body" experience was one of many gifts my Higher Power gave me several years ago that has helped to change my life.  I was able to recognize what was missing - a spiritual program - and I wanted it. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 14c

What can we give to the newcomer?

The first thing I can give (or do) for the newcomer is to be abstinent.  If I am, I have clarity of mind and in turn, this affects my behavior; how I react and speak to people.

The next thing I can give to the newcomer (or do) is attend local meetings.  My presence there (with others) will help ensure there will continue to be meetings available for the newcomer when they decide to come.

Another thing I can do for the newcomer is attend intergroup and volunteer to do service.  On a local level, we need to make sure we have meeting lists, and that the web-site and World Service is updated (with the meeting information).  Then, when someone searches for meeting information, they'll be able to find current information.

Something else I can do, if available, is sponsor.  If not, I can help by trying to find someone else who may be available.

Finally, I can offer the newcomer hope.  By sharing my experience and strength in the meetings, I offer them hope.  Their continuing to hear this message in the meetings from all of us helps to dispel the discouragement and fear that many of us first walk in with.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 14b

Why is it advisable to take on a newcomer?

There is a saying in program, "You can't keep it unless you give it away."  In A.A., Bill W. sponsored so that he would stay sober.  When I sponsor, it helps me to stay abstinent.

"Life takes on new meaning.  To watch people recover, to see them help 

others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, 

to have a host of friends - this is an experiience you must not miss.  

We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers 

and with each other is the bright spot of our lives."

A.A. Big Book, pg 89

Newcomers offer me a wonderful opportunity to help someone brand new in program.  I can give them the welcoming hand that every newcomer needs when they first walk through our doors.  If I am abstinent and working a program, by sponsoring them, I'm able to give them a link to the rooms, offer them hope, and a reason to keep coming back.  My recovery and how I live my life can be a living example of how our program works, when we work it.

Sponsoring a newcomer is also a way to help our program continue to grow.  We need the newcomers - they're how our programs have survived and grown through the years. My life has changed dramatically because of the wonderful people I sponsor.  Each person has their own distinct personality, looks at life differently, approaches life uniquely, and challenges me separately  They've individually taught me things that have enhanced my life and my recovery.

Whatever we can do to help the suffering addict is our responsibility - sponsoring a newcomer is one of them.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 14a

Why is it as important not to push a person before they are ready?

I've learned through experience, my own and watching others, that some can't be pushed and the one's that can, may not get it or fail because of it.

In my bull-headedness, nobody could tell me what to do - I had to want to do it.  Generally, my actions got me "backed into a corner" and I would come out kicking and screaming, ultimately asking for help when I was in enough pain.   This was my path to willingness.  I had to get there on my terms.

It's also how I was able to reach out to God (HP).  I had to be very desperate - and I had to be the one that put me there.  It was important that I not have any excuses or anyone else to blame.  It had to really be all about me - I had to be broken with no place else to go.

Then I was ready.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 13c

Why is it stressed that the message of our program be carried to others still suffering?

The 12 Step programs will not continue unless we have newcomers and members recovering.  Anyone suffering from addiction needs to have hope.  Unless we carry the message, there is no hope. Active addiction took away any hope I had.  When I came to program, it was with feelings of suicide.

I've tried almost everything to stop my compulsive overeating and the crazy thinking/behaviors.  Nothing had staying power.  Then someone carried the message to me.  That was 25 years ago.  I'm grateful they did - my life is totally different today.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 13b

How do you go about getting the willingness to do what is necessary to keep what you have found?

The easiest way for me to find the willingness to do "what is necessary" is to keep my memories green.  What I mean when I say this is, I remember the pain of my past - I don't forget where I came from.  And, I tell myself verbally, "I refuse to go back to where I came from."

The actions I take to help me is: going to meetings and sponsoring (along with the given - praying and meditating).  I find both very humbling.

At meetings, I am constantly exposed to the newcomer.  When they come in, it's very easy to see the pain on their faces from this disease.  As they sit through their first meeting, there usually are tears.

This exposure always takes me back to my first meeting; the pain I felt and the emotions that were running rampant through my body.  I remember the fear -  my not wanting to be there and yet wanting so badly for the craziness with the food to stop.

Sponsoring reminds me of my process of working through the steps - each one of them, with my sponsor.  As my sponsee does a step, I'm taken back to the first time I did that step with my first sponsor.  I remember the struggles I had, what I was willing to do, and what games I played.  It also helps me to recognize how far I've come since then.  When I share my experiences with my sponsees, this also helps with my willingness.


Ultimately,  I have my Higher Power (God).  When I'm really struggling to find the willingness, I go to him for help.  If I need to, I'll ask God to do it for me.  (I've found if it's something I'm supposed to do, somehow, someway, God sends me help.  If I'm not supposed to do anything, then nothing happens.  Either way, I get the message.

I've always found willingness mysterious - it shows up when I least expect it and it's there when I need it.  All I have to do is the footwork.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 13a

What is the most effective way for you to carry the message of peace and serenity the program has to offer?

I don't remember where it's from but I've heard in program, "We are the message."  When a newcomer visits  a meeting for the first time, we're who they see and hear.  The meeting is probably where their first impression is formed - I know it's where mine was. 

At my first meeting, I felt truly welcomed.  The people in the room spoke about things I couldn't even begin to speak about.  They took those words I couldn't form yet and made them into sentences that made sense.

I found hope that night because of the awareness I wasn't alone anymore; before I left, I knew I would return again -  I was finally home.

We are the message.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 12c

What do you believe it will be like to achieve your primary objective?

I am doing it every day I work my 12 step program, am abstinent and ask God (HP) for help.  All three of these actions are instrumental for me to achieve my primary objective - to leave any one of them out would ensure failure. 

Past experience has proven this to me.  If I ever want to test it again, the A.A. Big Book suggests I can go out and use again -  which for me is eating.  Today I say, "NO THANKS."