AS BILL SEES IT, Question 23a

What false Gods have you previously worshiped?  Are you still hanging onto these false Gods?

I used to have many false Gods in my life:  work, money, sex, food, people (doctors, husband), places (my home), drugs (anti-depressants), clothes, material possessions, where I lived, what I owned, how many toys I had, how many homes I owned, what kind of cars I drove, what jewelry I had, who I had for a friend, if I had a person to do my cleaning - status symbols.  All of these played a very important role in my life.  If I didn't measure up, I had to work harder.

Sometimes I still struggle with them.  For instance, today I was looking at cell phones and thinking about changing my plan.  The one I have doesn't have texting on it and everyone I know has it - even my grandchildren!  These thoughts were going through my head as I was thinking about changing to a more expensive plan - which I don't even need at this point.  Why was I?  Part of it was the draw of getting a new phone.  "So why not get one like everyone else?  They all have texting!"

I can fall right into the trap very easily...letting my wants get in the way.  They blind me to what is important in my life and I forget to ask God (HP) for help. I forget to ask what his will is for me.  (When I remember to ask for help, it always comes).

In this case, the answer I received was to step back and pause - to look at the whole picture - I needed to ask myself, "Is this something I need Norinne or is it something I want?"  With the pause also came my answer - a definite no.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 22c

How have you experienced both kinds of fear?  (constructive & non-constructive)

I believe any fear can be constructive, if I can learn from it.  On the other hand, non-constructive fear would mean (for me) holding onto the fear and  repeating it over and over in my daily life.

Prior to working the 12 steps and actively working a spiritual program, I lived with several fears.  I couldn't let go of them no matter what I did.  They were prevalent in my life and permeated most of my relationships.  The biggest two were death and abandonment.  I was afraid of death - in myself and those I loved and I was afraid my husband was going to leave me.  It didn't matter what he said or did to prove his love, I was still afraid of being alone.  These fears were destructive because they affected everything I did and said.  They also gave me reason (I thought) to eat.

They have also become constructive fears - I've learned they have nothing to do with death, abandonment or my husband.  The abandonment has everything to do with the empty hole inside I've felt for as long as I can remember.  The fears are about my need to trust a Higher Power with my life. 

As this trust has emerged and grown, my fears have weakened and shrunk.  They are gone, as long as I work all aspects of my program - physical, emotional and especially the spiritual.  When I can feel my Higher Powers presence deep down inside, there are no fears.

I am not afraid when I live and work my program every day, with help from my Higher Power (God).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 22b

Can fear be constructive?  In what ways?


In the 12 step program, one of the acronyms for FEAR is:  False Evidence Appearing Real.  Fear can be constructive for me IF I can learn from it.

Experience has shown, when I have fear, I'm "out of whack" spiritually.

When I'm fearful, I have an agenda - I've taken the outcome back.  I may say I've turned the problem over to God (and I trust him) but in actuality, I haven't.  What it boils down to is my need to control.  I haven't let go and I haven't completely surrendered.  Until this happens, I will continue to struggle (with fear).

The best part of my process is when I have the opportunity to learn.  As I go through the work it requires, I'm learning about what keeps me in bondage to the disease and what little I have to do to be free from it.  Fear can be changed from False Evidence Appearing Real into Face Everything And Recover!  My attitude has changed so that I can again trust God with everything - giving him all of my problems - including the outcome.  I'm back to feeling I will be OK.

As hard as it is, I have to do the work - it's the only way I can or will learn.  (I call it the school of hard knocks.)  My brain will not learn from someone else doing the work for me!

                                             

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 22a

Do you still possess unsatisfied demands?  What are they?  How can you get rid of them?  If you have none, how did you let them go?

Today I have no demands - satisfied or not.  This all changed for me many months ago when I made a list of all the things I wanted (and wasn't getting).

I took the items on the list and separated them into 2 lists:  Needs and Wants.  I had to determine which ones  I needed and which ones I wanted.  When I was done, I had a rude awakening - I noticed all of the items were on my wants list, not on the needs list.  Then I realized God has given me everything I've needed.

Next, I started thinking about the things on the list I haven't gotten (my wants) and started asking myself some questions:

• Is there something I need to do - some action I need to take?  
• Do I really want this item?  
• If I really want this, what am I willing to do for it?  
• Am I willing to pray and ask God to show me what his will is for me?
• Am I willing to wait for it (obviously God thinks I need to for some reason)

Next, I prayed for God's will for me regarding the balance of my "wants" list.  By praying, I was able to let go of my "unsatisfied demands".  Now, if something pops up from the material world, I follow the same process.  This process makes it easier for me to let go.

I have to say this has been a process - getting to a point in my life where I am open and willing to do all of this.  I had to be on a spiritual plane to be able to get here - and have the willingness to do the work.  I could not, nor would not, have been capable of doing any of this five years ago.  If you are not here yet, keep working at it.  It's worth it.  You're worth it!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 21c

Have you found an equal balance joining program and the outside world?  In which ways?

It's taken me a long time to find an equal balance between program and the outside world.  It seemed like it was always fighting me (the outside world), whenever I tried to balance the two.  Any time I tried to share part of myself with the outside world - the outside world wanted more.  If I gave more, the outside world wanted even more.  Suffice to say, my program suffered and my life always ended up unbalanced.

UNTIL I started working a Spiritual program.  When I sought God, invited him into all areas of my life, asked him for help with everything; changes started happening.  A peace slowly settled over me.  Things started to bother me less; it didn't matter what others thought or said.  I stopped having an agenda.  Money lost it's importance.  Anger started to dissipate.

Now I ask God what it is I need to do - for program and for others outside of program.  Then I wait for an answer.

"The answers will come if your own house is in order."

A.A. Big Book, pg 164

I am receiving answers.  When I struggle with having to make a decision (in all areas of my life, not just program) I ask my Higher Power for help.  The answers come! 

Just lately I felt the need to go to a program convention.  It fell on the weekend of my wedding anniversary so I asked God what I should do.  The answer I received was to talk to my husband, tell him how I was feeling and what I needed.  Further, I had to ask him how he felt about my being gone on our special day.  I  had to be open to not going if he was upset by it.  I was able to go and we celebrated the following weekend.

When I ask, sit back and listen...and most of all, am patient, the answers come.  BUT FIRST, I have to be abstinent.

This program is amazing.  Everyday I am learning and growing, thanks to my Higher Power and the people in the rooms.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 21b

Do you now feel safe in the outside world?  How, why & when?

How safe I feel is in direct proportion to how strong my spiritual program is.  If I'm working it diligently - praying and meditating everyday, asking for help from my Higher Power - reading and writing, using the A.A. Big Book and the A.A. 12&12 AND am abstinent, then I'm safe wherever I go.

All of these actions, ensure my Higher Power is with me and in turn, provide safety in the outside world.   It's when I don't do them on a daily basis, I feel unsafe.  The fear starts creeping in, I start to worry about the future and I can't let go of the things that happened yesterday.  My mind starts the crazy talk - the voices start yammering.  

When it comes down to it, the work doesn't require much effort to ensure my safety and the freedom I've been given (compared to what I used to go through to get my fix in the past).  At first it may seem to for a newcomer because it requires change.  Whenever there is change - thought is required - along with vigilance.

As with anything new, continued practice can create habits. It's definitely worth the effort. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 21a

Have you taken your life into program or have you taken your program into life?  What is the difference?

My program comes first, no matter what.  This means I have to take my program into life.  (If I don't have a program, I won't have a life).

I've tried many times to fit program into my life instead of the other way around.  This meant I didn't give the time necessary to program.  I didn't give it top priority.  Instead, my time was given to outside issues.  Everything else became more important and I lost my focus - which is to stay abstinent.

Food became more important.  I forgot about the pain from my binging; I forgot how much material possessions and money controlled my thoughts and I forgot how the obsession to have more consumed my every thought.  Eventually program went by the wayside and food took over again.  I was back into my more syndrome;  a full fledged relapse.

So far, this has happened twice.  (I'm a slow learner).  The bottom line is I need to work my program 100% of the time - everywhere I go - no vacations or time off allowed.  Then, whatever time I have left can be applied to other activities - like life.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 20c

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!  

 

Do the same to the third section of the Serenity Prayer.

"And wisdom to know the difference."

Sometimes (in my recovery) there is a time to shut up and listen and then other times it's OK to speak.  How do I know what to do when?  It comes from prayer and meditation, working the steps with my sponsor, abstinence, attending meetings, listening, asking for help and trusting the process.

Wisdom to know the difference did not happen overnight for me.  It came from doing the work.  The A.A. Big Book mentions the "intuitive thought."  I had this but didn't trust it.  This is because I had to do all of the work first.  I had to get abstinent and work the steps before I could understand it was my Higher Power talking to me. 

When I finally started working a spiritual program and actually felt Gods love inside of me - that's when I was able to love myself.  After this happened, I listened to the intuitive thought and trusted.  

I heard and I believed.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 20b

Do the same to the second section of the Serenity Prayer.

"courage to change the things I can."

Fear likes to "rear it's ugly head" in my life.  As a characteristic of my disease, it stops me from taking care of myself and growing.  When I grow, the disease lessons.  On the other hand, when I can't seem to get myself to do something because of being afraid, it's an opportune time to beat myself up.  This then becomes a feeding ground for my disease to thrive.

Courage to work through something that scares the heck out of me is pretty empowering!  Finding this courage came with help from my Higher Power, prayer, abstinence and the 12 steps. Prior to this, what I tried to use to empower me was food - all the food gave power to was my disease, which in turn, encouraged me to hide.  The more I ate, the more I wanted to hide.  The more I hid, the more I wanted to eat.  It was a vicious cycle.

(God grant me the) courage to change the things I can is a prayer in itself.  There is footwork I need to do - changing the things I can is part of this footwork and action comes into play (our newest tool).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 20a

The Serenity Prayer is divided into three (3) sections.  Break it down and take the first section.  What does it mean to you?  How do you relate?  How do you work it into your life?  Do you use it to your best advantage?

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"

Working my program, day in and day out, for as many years as I've been around the rooms, has given me the opportunity to learn quite a few things about acceptance.  I would call it the school of hard knocks  because I was constantly trying to change things I had no control over.  I had a hard time accepting anything not going the way I wanted or thought they should - it's been one of my worst defects.  Of course, I would eat over it and ended up one hundred pounds overweight!

The 12 steps have taught me I need to "turn it over," anything bothering me, to a Higher Power.  Afterward, I need to find peace sitting with my decision.  This is where the first part of the serenity prayer works for me.

When I say "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change," what I'm really doing is asking God for help with my decision (I can't do this God, so I'm giving it to you) and telling him I need help to be OK (with the decision).

Afterward, I don't want to take any part of this decision back and the addictive part of me (the disease) does.  So I have to continue to take action.  The action is asking God for more help.  I'm reaffirming my decision and speaking up to my disease.  I also want peace, therefore, the first line of the prayer; "God, grant me the serenity..."

My first line of defense comes from God, if I ask for it.  My part (the foot work) is asking for it.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 19c

Are you grateful for your success in program or do you take it for granted?

There was a time I didn't think much about where I came from (the pain) and how much better my life is.  I took my life and my recovery for granted.  I became complacent.  So when I received some medical news about myself that wasn't positive, I fell apart and went into an emotional relapse.

I couldn't understand why (something like this) would happen to me, especially when I was doing everything I was supposed to do.  (I'd been abstinent and following a specific food plan for over 13 years.)  I did what the doctors wanted - what happened?

This time period, ultimately, changed my whole life.  Someone called and asked if I would help her.  In the end, she's the one who helped me.  She had something I wanted - a spiritual program.  God got my attention.  I realized I'd been working a physical program only, not a spiritual one.

I am working a spiritual program today because of this messenger.  I also don't take my program for granted anymore.  (This is not to say I do everything perfectly.)

Instead of seeing what I can get out of life, my goal today is to see what I can give or bring to life.  A question I ask myself is, "How can I help someone today?"  I don't consciously have to ask it anymore - it happens automatically now.  I also ask, "What would God (HP) want me to do in this situation?"

We never know how we'll affect someone's life.  This summer I was able to see my brother for the first time in eight years.  (It has been his drug use that's kept us apart).

One of the last times I saw him, I gave him a couple of 12 Step books - the A.A. Big Book and a Narcotics Anonymous book.  I also talked to him about program and how it's affected my life. 

This summer he told me he's been clean for three years (he still has his N.A. book.)  I mention this because my brother has been using since he was in his teens - he's now 54.  There have been many prayers said in our family for him and lots of fears when the phone rang - especially during the times when we didn't know where he was.  I knew there was nothing more I could do for him and worrying wasn't going to help my program - so I gave him to God - to do with as he wished.

When I said goodbye this summer I told him I loved him.  Physically, I don't know where my brother is now.  I do know he's in God's hands.

No, I don't take anything for granted anymore.  I'm grateful for all my Higher Power has given me, as I walk with him hand in hand, on this wonderful journey called RECOVERY.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 19b

Have you taken insurance against the dangers of bigshotism?

The insurance I've taken out is with the 12 Step Recovery program and the premiums I gladly pay are:

1. Prayer and meditation (Higher Power/God)
2. Abstinence
3. 12 Steps

The currency (tools) I use are:  meetings, phone calls, anonymity, literature, service, sponsorship, writing and action.

These tools help support my recovery; they don't give me recovery.  This can only happen if I'm abstinent.  When I have the clarity to be able to hear God/HP, with it comes the ability to go to him for help with everything.  I have to be left out of the picture completely.

This was the problem I had: I was always in the middle of everything - controlling and running the show.  Nothing went on around me that I didn't have my hand in.  No one could do anything right.  I was miserable and everyone around me was miserable.

Thankfully, it doesn't have to be this way anymore.  This is a program of action and I choose to follow it One Day At A Time.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 19a

Do you play the big shot, blinded by prideful self-confidence?  In what ways may you be guilty?

Whenever I try to work my program on my own, I am blinded by "prideful self-confidence."  It can sneak into my life in a variety of ways; not making phone calls, going to fewer meetings and wanting more of something that's making me feel good (clothes, shopping, excitement, sex, reading novels, exercise, etc.).

In my fourth step it was suggested I find the root cause of these actions (my character defects).  My first recognition was that I was isolating.  Each one of the behaviors, in some way, shuts me off from something -  I'm isolating from my feelings or others.  When I mentioned this to my sponsor, she pushed me further, asking "what else would you be shut off from?"  It took me awhile, but I finally got it - my Higher Power!  When I'm playing the big shot - when I'm blinded by prideful self-confidence, I'm disconnected from God.  If I'm God-centered, there's no room to be self-centered!

When my self-confidence manifests itself as isolation, I make it all about me.  I don't want to do something - I don't want to feel something - I want to feel better. (I, I, I.)

"...blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could..."

A.A. Big Book, pg 25

This has always been my solution and IT DOESN'T WORK!  

Today I have to set aside what it is I want and continue to do what it is I need for my recovery:

1. I need to listen to the still quiet voice inside - my God voice.  It's my intuitive thought that tells me what I need to do to take care of myself.
2. My quiet time is vital to my being connected to HP (God).  If I'm not connected, there is no peace and serenity.  I lose what I've worked so hard for and NOTHING is worth this loss.
3. I need to listen to my sponsor - she has something I want - it's what drew me to her.  (It's a program of attraction).

Prideful self-confidence is a sign for me that there is something much bigger going on inside.  If I don't address my symptoms right away,  my disease will take over and I'll eventually be back in the food again. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 18c

What is unconditional love?  Have you learned to love unconditionally?

I believe unconditional love is when someone can accept another warts and all.   For me, this means no matter how many faults someone has, I will still love them.

It's a funny thing - unconditional love.  I have always loved my parents unconditionally - even though they hurt me deeply during my childhood.  The thing is, I didn't trust them.  So it's possible to love unconditionally but there is an important key I learned in program.  I have to add trust to it.

By working the 12 Steps, all of them, and having a Higher Power, I've learned to trust again.  It's important to know what it means to really be loved unconditionally by someone and trusting them - there is a difference.  Members have shown me how to trust again - I know there are good people in the world who truly care about me, love me AND, I believe them.

My unconditional love started to evolve with my husband and children - I was able to give them unconditional love.  It then went on to include my sponsor.  Now it has encompassed my sponsees and many other members of program.  The funny thing about all of this is these people are not perfect!  (They don't have to be).   

Having a Higher Power in my life and knowing he loves me has triggered this.  Because I feel his unconditional love, it doesn't matter what others do.  I know I will be OK because I have God (HP) inside of me - nobody can take that away.  I know God (HP) will take care of me no matter what.

I don't have the fears I used to have before program.  I can also see the promises coming true in my life today - all because of the unconditional love I received when I first walked through the doors.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 18b

How simple are you keeping your program?  Your life?  Do you tend to complicate things?

My program is very simple today.  I live it One Day At A Time, with God (HP) by my side, abstinently.

I've been abstinent for so long, I know what my standard abstinent meal options are and the food is always available in my home.  (My husband is not responsible for my meals but has been helping me cook abstinently over the years).

I spend an hour during the morning in quiet time - doing prayer and meditation, along with questions.  They help me with my spiritual program - keeping me in contact with God (HP).  When I can do this, the rest of my life runs smoothly.

The only time I complicate things is when I'm stressed - this happens when I'm disconnected from God.  When it occurs, I haven't taken enough time out for myself and I'm rushing.  I also haven't asked God (HP) for help.

The important thing is taking time out for working my program.  If I don't, everything then becomes all about me - what I want, what I'm doing, what I can't do, what someone is doing to me, etc.  I've become self-centered instead of God-centered.  I've lost my peace of mind, serenity and any enjoyment in the life I have - because I've taken back control.  So by making everything about me again, I've lost everything I wanted and sought.

The way I get it back is by pausing, just like the Big Book says:

"As we go through the day we pause when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the 

right thought or action, we constantly remind ourselves we are no longer

running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy

will be done.'  We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear,

anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions."

A.A. Big Book, pg 87-88

It's so much easier to be living on a spiritual plane.  My days are carefree - I have no concerns and I go to bed peacefully at night 

If I can live my life each day, seeking to do Gods will in all areas of my life, I receive the peace and serenity I've craved, every day of my life.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 18a

How well are you sponsoring?  Are you giving quality time?  Are you giving what is needed?


Right now I am sponsoring three people in the fellowship.  I talk to God (HP) about what to do with each sponsee; whether to sponsor them, how to talk with them, what kind of homework assignments to give, what I should do when they are having a hard time, how I should handle the situation when I know they aren't being honest, or what to do when they're using again - I ask God (HP) to use me as an instrument in their recovery and recognize this is all my responsibility is.

"The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God...(pg 98)...Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people.  It is dependent upon his relationship with God.  (pg 99-100)
A.A. Big Book 

It can be so easy for me to fall into the trap of telling my sponsees what to do.  Instead, the Big Book has taught me that reliance upon God (HP) is where recovery comes from.  The only way I can truly help my sponsees, is to let them learn this - not tell them what to do.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 17c

How honest are you with others?


I can be brutally honest and in the process, hurt the people I care about.  It's not done intentionally.  Sometimes, the information just comes out of my mouth.  Other times, I know what I'm doing but don't know any other way to say what I want.

It's about practice for me.  I could never speak up so had to force myself to open my mouth.  When I started, it was in meetings -  I talked about wanting to recover.  The more I did it, the easier it got.  And because it was about something I wanted, it was easy to speak my truth.

While doing the Steps, I learned about character defects - my main one being fear.  An acronym for FEAR is:  False Evidence Appearing Real.  If I don't go to God with my fears, they'll continue to grow in my head - sometimes immobilizing me.  The 12 steps have helped with this - I can address my fears in a 10-step, looking at what the fears may be about.  This action brings me back to reality.  I can also talk about them with the people around me who support me.  (They help bring clarity to what is going on.)  And by talking about what I'm afraid of, the actions help me to become honest in my relationships. 

Today, I need to make amends with someone I love and care about.  I really don't want to but I need to -  for myself and the other person.  If I don't do it, ultimately I could lose their respect and trust along with eating again.  This is not something I really have a choice about anymore - not if I want to live the life I've been searching for; a life with peace, joy and serenity. 

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.

A.A. Big Book, pg 58

Honesty is the only choice I have if I want to continue to work my program and be around to enjoy tomorrow.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 17b

Explain the deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves.  Are you guilty of this?

When I am trying to fool someone else by telling a lie or with evasion, I've already fooled myself into believing this falsehood.  The deception has to become my truth before I can try to convince anyone else.

I've been guilty many times in my past of what I would have called sugar coating the truth - I wouldn't have said I was lying.  I may have admitted I was stretching the truth if caught, but only if backed into a corner.  In both cases, it was to get things to go my way.  Whenever I didn't tell the truth, it was always to get my way.  [ I would label my behavior controlling and manipulation.]

• I lied about my food -  what I was eating and not eating, 
• I lied to my husband about what I spent while shopping, 
• I lied to myself about not having a problem with food.  
• When I play "dumb," it's a form of lying.  
• Withholding my emotions is a form of lying.

Do I deceive myself today?  Yes.  I still have character defects.  Not all of the same ones I came into program with.  They're also not as frequent.  With my Higher Powers help and working the 12 Step program, I am working on letting them go, slowly and in God's (HP's) time.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 17a

How well do you utilize a daily inventory?

I do spot check inventories everyday along with 10 steps when necessary.  If during my spot check, something is bothering me and I can't let it go, I'll do a 10 step inventory.

 I find myself hesitant to do a 10 step inventory  -  I'm not sure why.  It may be my needing to sit down and taking time to do it.  In reality, I think it's because I have to look at my part in whatever is going on.  This means I have to own my actions and feelings.  It may require [and generally does] my needing to make an amends.  I know I still have a hard time with doing these!  Just yesterday I needed to make one and ended up with a fight going on inside of me  -  the healthy me was telling the disease we were going to make the amends and why.  The disease was telling me why it wasn't necessary to do the amend.

It's interesting to look back on it today and see all of the shenanigans my disease was going through to not make the amend.  I talked to one person [intentionally] to see if they would tell me I didn't have to do it  -  they didn't mention it at all!  If the diseased voice were to "win out," I would have called a few more people to try and find someone to tell me I didn't need to make the amend.  In the end, I made several program outreach phone calls and then called the person and made the amend.

The bottom line for me is that I do the inventories as often as I need them.  It's when my gut is disturbed and I need to settle my thoughts.  I can't be close to my Higher Power when my mind is somewhere else.  I have to get myself to a place where I can "Let Go" and find peace.  My peace comes from God (HP).

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 16c

Do you believe that God is responsible for your abstinence and why?

For quite sometime in program, I still believed deep down inside I had control.  I thought I was responsible for my abstinence - I had the power.  It was because I was under the influence of the diet mentality.  My intention while attending the meetings was about the weight - the 12 Steps I was working with my sponsor was just something I was doing because I had to.  It was totally separate from the food and my weight.  Yes, I weighed and measured my food and called it in but everything was still all about me and what I could do.  There was no God (HP) in the picture.  ONLY WHEN I GOT INTO TROUBLE, then I cried out for help, resulting in a plea to give me what I wanted or get me out of the pickle I was in - that's when I went to God (HP).

Today is different, ONLY WHEN I GIVE MY LIFE TO GOD (HP).  When I do this, give my life to God (HP), it has to be my whole life, not just parts of it.  This includes my food.  I'll share with you a prayer I've come up with to help me:

"I give you my food God (HP), to do with as you please.  As you guide me in my abstinence today, please give me direction for the healthy choices I need in my food plan.  Please join me during my meals and help me to enjoy and be filled with the food you helpfully put on my plate.  I joyfully ask all this in your name.  Amen.

When I surrender completely - then yes, God (HP) is responsible for my abstinence. (I still have to do the footwork-writing it down, weighing and measuring and giving it to my sponsor.)

Sometimes it taken me a long time to learn.  It has with my food, especially because it revolves around my weight.  Letting go of this outcome [my weight] is hard for me.  I don't like watching the numbers on the scale  go up and not have a say about it.  Trust is involved with this topic - one for another day!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 16b

What is your reaction to never eating like a normal eater?

When I first started coming to program and heard about members abstaining from specific foods, I was angry.  I didn't want anyone to mess with my food  -  I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO TAKE MY FIX AWAY.  It's because I was active - face first in the food.  I had no clarity of mind and nothing to compare my life with.  I had no idea what it would be like to live life abstinently.

Then I saw and heard the changes in members who were abstinent.  It was a great motivator.  I wanted what they had and became willing to do whatever I had to receive what I saw on their faces - joy, peace and serenity.

The journey I've been on since has been very rewarding. As much as I hate CHANGE, my recovery is very important to me. What I once thought was not normal [the new way I learned to eat] has become normal for me:  I see no difference anymore between how I eat compared to anyone else.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 16a

What is your opinion of the 24-hour concept?

Whoever came up with this idea (they had to be one of us) was brilliant.

I can do something, if it's only for 24 hours.  If I have to think about doing it for the rest of my life, it's the surest way to discourage me from wanting to continue.

When I was told I needed to give up sugar and flour, it seemed daunting.  I couldn't comprehend how I  would do it - how could I for a day, let alone a lifetime?

My sponsor and the people helping me, broke it down into time increments.  All I had to worry about was what I was going to do that day.  I was told to "plan what I eat and eat what I plan."  It was that simple.  They helped me to figure out what foods were safe for me to eat and then do it one day at a time.

I've been able to do it for most of the last twenty eight years.  It works if you work it.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 15c

Have you put any limit on your physical, emotional or spiritual growth and why?

The only limits that can be put on my physical, emotional or spiritual growth are put there by me.  I can see the vastness of my recovery being boundless and therefore, choose to have no limits.

I feel such warmth and excitement when I think about where my recovery may take me.  It's because of two things:  1.)  God (HP) being by my side - knowing he's with me every step of the way and 2.)  looking back to see how far I've come.

Through prayer and meditation, God (HP) has given me so many exciting ideas for my future; things I haven't done yet, things I've never dreamed of doing and some I've started to implement. My life is exciting and full today.  If anyone told me this a year ago, I would have laughed.

Even so, there are some changes I still need to make, things I need to let go of - material items and character defects. (I hear about the work I need to do in my meditations). 

Change is hard for me!  Sometimes I kick, scream, and pout.  I still do the work because I know the end result is where I crave to be.  I refuse to go back to the pain I came in with.  As hard as it is, the freedom I feel when I do is indescribable.  It's almost like losing another pound of weight.

Additionally, my fear of not having enough continues to lessen.  I'm learning I need to cling to God (HP)- which actually happens the more I let go of the material world.   

The more I let go, the more I get  -  one of the 12 Step paradoxes!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 15b

Why do you think we will never reach perfection?

Perfection would make me God-like and there is no way on Earth this could happen.  What I can do, is strive to seek and do God's will each day.  This is all I my Higher Power expects from me.

I heard someone say, "We are born perfect."  I have no chance of maintaining this perfection - there are too many things in society and the world to confuse and tempt me.    An example is how in my pain, I sought to make it go away with substances that fed my addiction.

Today, I've found there are other options.  The 12 Step Program has shown me a better way, through the steps and a Higher Power.  The pain is gone and I have peace and serenity each day I seek help from my Higher Power.

I don't need to seek perfection, I need to seek my Higher Power's will, ONE DAY AT A TIME.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 15a

Why is growth so important?

If I'm not moving forward, I'm moving backward - it's as simple as that for me.  My recovery requires action - I need to always be doing something to maintain or further my spiritual progress.  If I'm not, I will eat again and "to eat is to die."

If I am spiritually fit, I can do all kinds of things - mostly, stay abstinent.  Further, I will find courage to say I'm sorry, say no, speak up for my rights, push myself to exercise - long enough so I get to the point I enjoy it again!  I also find time to go to my doctors and dentist visits.  (Actually, I'll find time to make the appointments and then go).  I take care of my self physically and emotionally...I can do these things because I feel Gods love, therefore I can love myself. 

When I love me, I can love others and it will come out in my actions and behaviors.  There is no sarcasm and I do things willingly. This is why it's important for me to work my program. 

I am willing to do anything to stop my addiction and the Big Book tells me the only way I can do this is by having a spiritual experience.  "I must not shrink at anything."  (B.B. pg 79)

We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough."

A.A. Big Book, pg 82

I tried to work my program with just the bare essentials - abstinence, meetings and phone calls.  It didn't work.  I kept sliding into an emotional abyss.  The three tools I was using couldn't keep me emotionally stable.  I'd ask God for help but I was only playing lip service - I wanted God to do it my way.  I wasn't ready to give up the control.  Because of this, there was no growth.  I was stagnate - slowly sliding towards relapse.  The only thinking I was doing was self-centered; my EGO was huge.  There was no humility - I wasn't seeking to do God's will and wasn't teachable.

It took an emotional relapse to get my attention.  I knew if I didn't do something, I was headed towards relapse.  (Fortunately, relapse scared me.)

Ultimately, what happened was I had an "out of body" experience.  I saw myself sitting at a meeting and all I was doing was complaining.  It was all about the poor me's;  "So and so did this [to me] and so and so was doing this to me."  It was all about being the victim. 

When I saw my actions (what I was doing and saying), I knew I was on a downward spiral and in trouble; if I didn't change, I was going to eat soon.

The "out of body" experience was one of many gifts my Higher Power gave me several years ago that has helped to change my life.  I was able to recognize what was missing - a spiritual program - and I wanted it. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 14c

What can we give to the newcomer?

The first thing I can give (or do) for the newcomer is to be abstinent.  If I am, I have clarity of mind and in turn, this affects my behavior; how I react and speak to people.

The next thing I can give to the newcomer (or do) is attend local meetings.  My presence there (with others) will help ensure there will continue to be meetings available for the newcomer when they decide to come.

Another thing I can do for the newcomer is attend intergroup and volunteer to do service.  On a local level, we need to make sure we have meeting lists, and that the web-site and World Service is updated (with the meeting information).  Then, when someone searches for meeting information, they'll be able to find current information.

Something else I can do, if available, is sponsor.  If not, I can help by trying to find someone else who may be available.

Finally, I can offer the newcomer hope.  By sharing my experience and strength in the meetings, I offer them hope.  Their continuing to hear this message in the meetings from all of us helps to dispel the discouragement and fear that many of us first walk in with.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 14b

Why is it advisable to take on a newcomer?

There is a saying in program, "You can't keep it unless you give it away."  In A.A., Bill W. sponsored so that he would stay sober.  When I sponsor, it helps me to stay abstinent.

"Life takes on new meaning.  To watch people recover, to see them help 

others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, 

to have a host of friends - this is an experiience you must not miss.  

We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers 

and with each other is the bright spot of our lives."

A.A. Big Book, pg 89

Newcomers offer me a wonderful opportunity to help someone brand new in program.  I can give them the welcoming hand that every newcomer needs when they first walk through our doors.  If I am abstinent and working a program, by sponsoring them, I'm able to give them a link to the rooms, offer them hope, and a reason to keep coming back.  My recovery and how I live my life can be a living example of how our program works, when we work it.

Sponsoring a newcomer is also a way to help our program continue to grow.  We need the newcomers - they're how our programs have survived and grown through the years. My life has changed dramatically because of the wonderful people I sponsor.  Each person has their own distinct personality, looks at life differently, approaches life uniquely, and challenges me separately  They've individually taught me things that have enhanced my life and my recovery.

Whatever we can do to help the suffering addict is our responsibility - sponsoring a newcomer is one of them.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 14a

Why is it as important not to push a person before they are ready?

I've learned through experience, my own and watching others, that some can't be pushed and the one's that can, may not get it or fail because of it.

In my bull-headedness, nobody could tell me what to do - I had to want to do it.  Generally, my actions got me "backed into a corner" and I would come out kicking and screaming, ultimately asking for help when I was in enough pain.   This was my path to willingness.  I had to get there on my terms.

It's also how I was able to reach out to God (HP).  I had to be very desperate - and I had to be the one that put me there.  It was important that I not have any excuses or anyone else to blame.  It had to really be all about me - I had to be broken with no place else to go.

Then I was ready.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 13c

Why is it stressed that the message of our program be carried to others still suffering?

The 12 Step programs will not continue unless we have newcomers and members recovering.  Anyone suffering from addiction needs to have hope.  Unless we carry the message, there is no hope. Active addiction took away any hope I had.  When I came to program, it was with feelings of suicide.

I've tried almost everything to stop my compulsive overeating and the crazy thinking/behaviors.  Nothing had staying power.  Then someone carried the message to me.  That was 25 years ago.  I'm grateful they did - my life is totally different today.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 13b

How do you go about getting the willingness to do what is necessary to keep what you have found?

The easiest way for me to find the willingness to do "what is necessary" is to keep my memories green.  What I mean when I say this is, I remember the pain of my past - I don't forget where I came from.  And, I tell myself verbally, "I refuse to go back to where I came from."

The actions I take to help me is: going to meetings and sponsoring (along with the given - praying and meditating).  I find both very humbling.

At meetings, I am constantly exposed to the newcomer.  When they come in, it's very easy to see the pain on their faces from this disease.  As they sit through their first meeting, there usually are tears.

This exposure always takes me back to my first meeting; the pain I felt and the emotions that were running rampant through my body.  I remember the fear -  my not wanting to be there and yet wanting so badly for the craziness with the food to stop.

Sponsoring reminds me of my process of working through the steps - each one of them, with my sponsor.  As my sponsee does a step, I'm taken back to the first time I did that step with my first sponsor.  I remember the struggles I had, what I was willing to do, and what games I played.  It also helps me to recognize how far I've come since then.  When I share my experiences with my sponsees, this also helps with my willingness.


Ultimately,  I have my Higher Power (God).  When I'm really struggling to find the willingness, I go to him for help.  If I need to, I'll ask God to do it for me.  (I've found if it's something I'm supposed to do, somehow, someway, God sends me help.  If I'm not supposed to do anything, then nothing happens.  Either way, I get the message.

I've always found willingness mysterious - it shows up when I least expect it and it's there when I need it.  All I have to do is the footwork.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 13a

What is the most effective way for you to carry the message of peace and serenity the program has to offer?

I don't remember where it's from but I've heard in program, "We are the message."  When a newcomer visits  a meeting for the first time, we're who they see and hear.  The meeting is probably where their first impression is formed - I know it's where mine was. 

At my first meeting, I felt truly welcomed.  The people in the room spoke about things I couldn't even begin to speak about.  They took those words I couldn't form yet and made them into sentences that made sense.

I found hope that night because of the awareness I wasn't alone anymore; before I left, I knew I would return again -  I was finally home.

We are the message.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 12c

What do you believe it will be like to achieve your primary objective?

I am doing it every day I work my 12 step program, am abstinent and ask God (HP) for help.  All three of these actions are instrumental for me to achieve my primary objective - to leave any one of them out would ensure failure. 

Past experience has proven this to me.  If I ever want to test it again, the A.A. Big Book suggests I can go out and use again -  which for me is eating.  Today I say, "NO THANKS."

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 12b

What is the primary object of my life?

Because I've struggled with depression for so long, my goal and main objective was to be happy.  Now that I've been in The Program for many years, I've come to realize that my happiness comes in direct proportion to the extent of my spiritual program.  I say this because when I work it, the depression goes away; when I don't, the depression returns.

There are many components to my spiritual program.  In A.A., Bill W. said "we need to give it away to keep it."  Service is a big piece of my spiritual program.  It helps to get me out of self (EGO) and become God-centered.  When I'm trying to help someone else, I become humble.  When I'm humble, I ask God (HP) for help.

There are many forms of service I'm currently (and previously been) active in:  my abstinence, sponsoring, phone calls, leading meetings, intergroup, setting and picking up after a meeting, carrying the literature (to a meeting) and treasurer (for a meeting).  Also, filling in when needed in other positions.

Another action I take for my spiritual well-being is prayer and meditation.  I heard a speaker in A.A. say that after being in program for awhile, he learned some things about himself and needed to "change his story."  Not long ago, I was reading some of my old journals and discovered I've been doing meditation longer than I previously thought.  This has changed my perspective on how I have previously viewed my past and the decisions I made then.  It also helped me to realize my Higher Power was active in my life sooner than I realized!

The miracle of this program and working the steps is the relief I've been given when I accepted a Higher Power (God) in my life.  I've been able to let go of the burdens that once held me hostage - the things in my life I tried to control on a daily basis.  I've come to realize my life is a whole lot better when I can "Let go and let God."  What I mean by this is, I give all my concerns to my Higher Power.  When something comes up that causes me some dis-ease, I ask God (HP) to take it.  I visualize myself handing it to him.  When I can do this, I've let it go.  Then, and only then, am I able to move on.

Life today is so much better than it ever was before and my depression is gone.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 12a

Is pride holding you back from progress?  How?

Pride sneaks into my life in subtle ways.  One way that occurs the most is the voice that tells me I don't need help, I can do this on my own.  Another is when I want to eat something inappropriate and deny what is going on.  Ultimately, these behaviors will lead me into relapse.

In program there is the saying, "Denial of the truth leads to destruction."  Every time I allow pride to interfere with my recovery, I separate myself from God (HP).  When this happens, desperation reappears in my life and for me, desperation will take me back face first into the food.

I don't know how many more relapses I have in me - and I'm not willing to chance it.  (I remember the pain I was in before program and in my last relapse.  It occurred in all areas of my life; spiritual, emotional and physical).  I don't ever want to go back there again.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 11c

What is the quality of good you are giving back to the program?  

The best thing I can do for program is show that it is working in my life.  This would mean for me that I am abstinent, happy and I have peace and serenity.

I'd like to believe that I am a living example of this.  Since my last relapse, four years ago, I've made major changes in how I work my program.  In turn, the way I live my life today has been affected.

I have a strong abstinence and I feel peaceful and serene.  It's because I ask God (HP) for help everyday.  Each morning I invite him to join me for the day.  As the day progresses, I talk to him (thanking him) along with asking for help.  At the end of the day, if something is bothering me, I talk to him about it.

I believe my actions speak louder than my words, so find it's not necessary to make it a point to broadcast the amount of abstinence/time in the program or weight loss I have.  When asked to tell my story, I will give this information, but I don't have it be the main focus.  My shares, more importantly, are about the solution and they come from the heart.  I've been in program a long time and what I've learned has come from the school of hard knocks. 

There is a saying in program, "Don't talk the talk, walk the walk."

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 11b

What is your definition of being successful?

The dictionary's definition for successful is a favorable result.  My idea of successful is not repeating, over and over again, the errors of my past - the things that caused me pain.

I lived in pain from my addiction for twenty five years using the food to numb my feelings.  Ultimately the food turned on me; I couldn't get out from under it's spell.  The addiction grew over the years, causing me to consume more and more food.  In turn, my behaviors became more erratic.

Successful is being out from under my food addiction, one day at a time, with the help of my Higher Power and the grace of this (12 Step) program.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 11a

What are your feelings about a slip?  How are you safeguarding yourself against it?

I view a slip and relapse the same.  They are indications that I'm having problems and it didn't just start; a slip is a warning where I need to seriously look at what I'm doing and make some changes.  If I don't, it won't be long before I relapse.

There are disciplines I do everyday to protect the peace and serenity I enjoy in my life. They are practices that many people, through the years, have found worked for them (and decided to pass the information on).  I, in turn, have been doing them for several years and have found they work for me if I do them.

To ensure the continuation and deepening of my spiritual program, I read in the AA Big Book and the AA 12&12 everyday.  To discourage complacency and help me remember my roots, I answer a question pertaining to what I read.

For my meditation and prayer time, I read several program daily's.  One of them usually "grabs" me and I spend some time in prayer and meditation.  Then I journal on what I read.

The best thing I can do for my recovery each day is look at my food; do I have it planned out for the day?  Do I have everything I need?  Are there any unforeseen plans that have been made (by my husband)?  Do I need to prepare something ahead of time?  Do I need to ask my husband for help with something - for instance, am I going to an early meeting and need his help with cooking dinner?

At night before bed (and sometimes it happens during the day) I look over my day to see if there is anything I need to make right; have I stepped on any toes, do I need to thank anyone for something that I forgot to thank them for?  Do I have any uncomfortable feelings inside?  What am I grateful for?  How did I take care of myself today?  Did I do anything for someone else today, etc.

This is a form of 10 step.  It's where I look over my day to see if there are any wrongs that need to be righted.  It also helps me to see the positives in my life.  I have a form that I use for this (my sponsor gave me) and I've added to it.  It's called a vowel 10 Step.  I'll share it with you here:

Vowel 10 Step

A - Addiction 

(What am I doing for my addiction today?  Going to a meeting? Talk to my sponsor? Work on an inventory?  Abstinent?

E - Exercise 

(Did I do any today?If not, then note it so that I can see over the course of a week, what my "pattern" is.  When I keep my body chemistry balanced, "HALT," I am better able to be in the frame of mind for the "promptly admit it" part, and the "spot check throughout the day."

I - I, myself

What did I do to take care of myself today? This is about healthy self-care - healthy boundaries, etc.  Beyond the straight up twelve step work in the "A" above.

O - Others

Where was I of twelve step type service?  (More along the lines of meeting with sponsees, or calling a program person to see how they're doing.

U - Uncover

What is that thing I don't want to think about?  Write it here.  This is not a promise I will do something about it - it's about not sliding into denial. (Like if I need to call the IRS and haven't or there is a bill I need to call on.)  Just note it here so that eventually it will be in my consciousness enough that I can become willing enough to do something about it.

Y - Yahoo

Something fun I may have been looking forward to.  This is the thing that makes life fun and can be a building block for some gratitude for the abundance in my life.

Actions I've added

Gratitude - Something I'm grateful for today

God (HP) moment -  Some place (sign. book, phrase, etc) or an action where I saw God (HP) in action in my life today.

Benefit of being abstinent - Something I am able to do in my life today because of being abstinent.

At the end of the day, before I close my eyes to sleep, I say thank you God.  

All of these actions, that I do on a daily basis, help to safeguard me from my next compulsive bite.  Without them, I know I would be face down in my addiction.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 10c

Are you indulging in constructive meditation?  Do you feel you are growing spiritually?

Constructive meditation happens for me anytime I have quiet time in my head.  Then I can listen for God (HP).  This has taken me sometime to be able to achieve.

My addictive mind likes to "flit" all over the place, constantly thinking about a million things at one time - bouncing from one to another, never settling.  I may start to focus on something, work on it for awhile but as soon as a noise or a person says something - I'm off and running in a different direction.

What I've learned about myself over time, is that I need to go to a place where there will be no interruptions - no distractions of any kind.  I've created such a place in my home.

I have a room - my yellow room.  It's on the back of my house, facing the woods.  I can go there in the morning, shut the door and sit in front of the window (facing east) in my comfortable chair.  Outside I watch the blue jays and cardinals, along with the squirrels cavorting with each other.  Many times the dew is on a spider-web and with the sun shining through it, I see a huge sparkling snowflake blown up for my delight.  God's beauty is there for me to behold.

These are the things that greet me on my meditations - it's how I can shut out the outside world and all the thoughts that were clamoring in my head.  My disease gets left outside the door.  The "rules" are; no interruptions while the door is closed.

I've written a prayer on a poster board and taped it to the wall.  It says, "God, please fill me with your presence and your love.  Amen."  I did this to help remind me I'm not alone.  Whenever I read it, I feel a warmth fill me inside.

I went to church as a child and never received any of this - experiences that are all new for me.  They are also far greater that what my substances ever gave me.  Today I see the results and I can feel them.  All my substances did was numb me so that I wouldn't see and feel - I wasn't present in my life.

Today I want to live, I want to feel, I want to see...all of it.  It's because of the spiritual program I'm living and working today.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 10b

Do you work on nourishing the good and changing the bad?

Working the 12 Steps is a very interesting process.  When I didn't think I was making any progress, the people around me (in the rooms) surprised me by pointing out the changes.

Then there were the days I felt like I was on a fast moving train and wanted it to slow down (too many changes were happening).  I realized that God (HP) was in charge and there was nothing I could do; as much as I tried to dig my heels in, it wouldn't stop the train.

As time passed, I was able to recognize the changes in myself and the area's where I needed to continue to work.  When I didn't, I got nudges from God (HP).  They came by way of my seeing (or hearing) where I made a mistake, something in someones share, a feeling in my gut, a billboard, a sign on a church, something read, a meditation, etc.

As long as I'm abstinent, I can hear the message from my Higher Power and be willing to take action.  These two components are very important to "nourishing the good and changing the bad."

The whole healing process is like a flowering plant - there are several things needed for it to grow; sunlight (God/HP), fertilizer/water (food - abstinence), proper soil (12 Step program).  Neither one of us - myself or the flowering plant, can grow in the dark (my addiction). 

I need to have the necessary conditions to nurture myself.  The 12 Step program has taught me how to do this by introducing me to a Higher Power, showing me I need to be abstinent, having me work the steps and helping me to recognize I deserve all of it.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 10a

Do you still take a daily inventory of the good as well as the bad in yourself?  How do you go about doing this?

If I'm feeling any kind of disturbance, I stop (pause) and ask myself, "what's going on?"  This is my spot check inventory (AA 12&12, pg 90-91).  My main objective is to find out why I'm disturbed - what my part in the problem is - not what someone else did.  I stay on my side of the street.  Doing this kind of work requires that I ask God (HP) for help.  I look at what I need to do, take the action, give the rest to God and move on.

If I don't receive an answer or am still disturbed, I need to look at what's bothering me further - in depth.  This is when I do a form of 10 step called a Statement of Struggle (it follows the steps).  I'll share it with you here:

STATEMENT OF STRUGGLE

1. I'm powerless over...and my life becomes unmanageable when...

2.  I have faith that...

3.  I've made a decision to...

4.  In my past...

5.  E.N.O.M.W. (The exact nature of my wrongs)...

6.  I'm entirely ready...

7.  I'm humbly asking God (HP)...

8.  I'm willing to make amends...

9.  I'm changing by...

10. I feel...

11. I'm praying for...

12. I've learned...

Statement of Goals

*

*

*

When I'm done, I share it with my sponsor and 2 other people.  Also, if I haven't received any peace, I know there is more work I need to do (another statement of struggle).  Usually, after doing the first statement of struggle, I know what the next one should be about.  If not, one of the people I've shared with has given me an idea during their feed back.

These are pretty powerful - be prepared to learn a lot about yourself.  I find the hard part is sitting down and doing them.  Let me know how they work for you.

At the end of the day I do a Vowel 10 Step.  I'll share this with you at another time.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 9c

When away from home base, do you take your knowledge of the group and God with you?  Or do you feel safe only at home?  How can you safeguard your program of sanity and serenity when traveling?  How do you do it?

This is a good question because I travel between two homes.  I also visit family/friends and travel for program conventions.

I always take HP (God) with me wherever I go.  In fact, I say a prayer before each trip asking HP (God), if it's his will, to help us safely arrive at our destination.  This is fairly new for me.  In the past, I would ask HP (God) to help us reach our destination safely.  I never asked for his will.  My spiritual program is changing, so my prayers are changing.  I find I'm willing to accept Gods will in my life today - in the past it was still about me and my prayers reflected it.

My home fellowship travels with me, no matter where I go.  Part of the reason for this is my daily phone calls and the continued work I do for Intergroup.  It's also because I go to quite a few meetings - I carry memories of each member with me, in my heart. I consider them family and they go with me wherever I go.

My abstinence, sanity and serenity is also protected by taking program with me.  I have my daily readers, A.A. Big Book and 12&12, program questions (I do one each day), World Service phone meeting list, speaker CD's, my computer and a cell phone.  When I'm away, I do the same things I would normally do at home.

Even when I go to conventions, I will take my books, questions, cell phone and my food with me.  Several times I've even taken a microwave and refrigerator with me!  My abstinence comes before everything else.

I am willing to go to any length to keep the peace and serenity I have in my life today.  It's taken a long time to be where I am and I'm not willing to give it up.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 9b

Do you believe that the ambitions of one should be safeguarded, when the group as a whole would be harmed?  Where should the line be drawn?

Our traditions state very clearly what we need to do - we need to protect the group as a whole, always.  If we don't, our fellowship will not be there for us or anyone else in the future.  Having said that, I believe it is possible to do it in a non-hurtful way, when addressing the "ambitions of one."  The easiest way would be to first, ask our Higher Power for help, and second, quote the tradition that applies to where the harm would be done.

There should never be a line drawn, meaning, we should never be in a position to have to choose.  We have no choice.  We have clear cut guidelines (which have worked), handed down to us through many generations.  No debate is necessary.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 9a

How strongly do you feel that you can survive and recover without the Fellowship?  Do you feel that one person alone is all you need to help you recover?

There is no way I can survive or recover without the Fellowship.  I've tried - before I joined and many years into program.

About 13 years after I came into the fellowship, I thought program wasn't necessary anymore - my abstinence had been strong for eight years, so I decided it was OK to start eating some of my substances again.  At first, I was still going to meetings but not talking about what I was doing.   I also didn't have a sponsor.  I was controlling what I was eating and not having any problems, so eventually  I left.

I was gone for about ten months.  By that point I'd moved to a different state, left behind all of my support friends and gained forty pounds.  I was miserable.  (I was talking to everyone back home but it wasn't helping).  I became suicidal.  After a visit from one of my friends, I decided (angrily) to go to a meeting.  I 've never left.

I've learned a lot since then.  Mainly, in order for me to be able to maintain my recovery, I need to have a spiritual program and I never had one.

Today, I work my spiritual program everyday.  I use the AA Big Book and the AA 12&12.  I attend three to four meetings a week  (I need to hear the messages from the people around me - whether they are brand new or old-timers).  I do service at the meeting and intergroup level and I also sponsor.

I was taught to always say yes when asked to do any form of service - for this I am responsible - to carry the message to the still suffering addict...any way I can.  

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 8c

Do you turn to God when things don't go your way?  Or, do you accept and still continue to trust that God is still taking care of you in a way that you cannot take care of yourself?

In the past, I only turned to God (HP) when things didn't go my way. Otherwise, I didn't need his help - I did just fine on my own.  Even then I fought - kicking and screaming to the very end; I would try everything before I gave in.  I literally had to feel backed into a corner before I gave up.

• Today, whenever I feel an inkling of discomfort emotionally, I go to God [HP] for help.  

• In the past, I ate to numb out and shut down my emotions.  

• Today, I choose not to eat.  

• In the past, I never allowed myself to feel, so never knew how I felt.  

• Today, I'm learning how to feel with Gods [HP's] help.  

• In the past I thought the negative things that were happening to me, were things God was doing to me.  

• Today I understand humans have been given free will.  The events happening in my life are to help me in some way or to help someone else in some way.

If someone were to have told me, when I started in program, that my whole being and my whole belief system was going to change, I would not have believed them.  I would have shaken my head and walked away.   These changes have occurred in my life!

Even after many years of abstinence and a long, long time in program, it didn't happen until I started on a spiritual quest.  I wanted the third leg of the stool.  By working it ONE DAY AT A TIME, I've seen how with God's [HP's] help, I've been able to heal from my past and now use it to help others in program - something I would never have thought possible.  (At the time I never thought I would heal from it, let alone help someone else.)

The promises are coming true in my life everyday - it works, it really does!

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 8b

Are you able to turn to God in all your affairs? Do you have a limit as to which you turn to God for guidance?  Do you still hold back and take your own will?

I strive to turn to God [HP] in all my affairs.  The 12 Step program gives me a daily reminder; I don't have to be perfect and I need to seek to do Gods [HP's] will.  When I have days I don't want to do what is good for me (my daily disciplines), I receive reminders of what my life will return to.

Everyday I make and receive phone calls.  The people on the other end of the phone depend on my abstinence and recovery.  When I don't seek God [HP] (this is called willfulness) for help in all my affairs, it affects everyone I touch.  Therefore, the work I need to do, I owe to myself and everyone in my life.

I've often asked my sponsees the question "Who are you hurting when you choose not to do something?"  It's not just ourselves, it's everyone we come in contact with.  This could be a quite a few people!  So when I'm not relying on my Higher Power [God] for help, I'm potentially hurting a lot of people.

I need to remember this the next time I want to do something my way - without asking God [HP] for help.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 8a

Do you feel that your abstinence is a gift from God?  If so is this all you can expect from him?

For quite some time I took my abstinence for granted.  I had to learn that I needed to give my food to God (HP). I wrote it down and called it in to my sponsor, but I was still holding onto some control.  This control was what was causing me problems.

I started to recognize it one day when I was struggling with eating one of my snacks.  It was cooked but the smell was making me nauseous.  So I said a prayer, telling God (HP) that if he wanted me to eat it, he was going to have to help me.  The telephone rang - it was a program person.  We talked for about 5 minutes and when I hung up, I sat down and ate my snack.  I completely forgot about feeling sick!

That was the first time I surrendered my food to God (HP).  When I realized what had just happened, I was amazed.  I thought to myself, "If I do this all of the time, I probably won't struggle when I go to the grocery store or when my husband snacks at night."

It took me several more times (of struggle) before I was completely willing to give God (HP) my food.  Now the things I used to struggle with, I don't anymore.  It  has shown me that all I have to do is ask God (HP) for help. 

I don't think there are any limits or restrictions on what God (HP) is willing to do for me...all I have to do is ask.


I would like to invite you to share your thoughts and experiences - we can all help each other on this exciting recovery journey! 

Norinne M. 

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 7c

Do you believe that God is there for all?  How do you go about asking for God's help for others not believing?

I believe that God (HP) is here for everyone - I see his work in others lives daily.  It's truly amazing to be able to watch it happening, especially when the person isn't aware of it yet.  I'm in awe.

The way I pray for a person is to ask God (HP) to help them have the eyes someday to see.  Standing next to someone in program, watching them work their steps, is an amazing process.  I find it very humbling.

I was in a meeting several years ago when someone "got it".  Her face perked up, her eyes started to sparkle and her skin took on a glow.  She looked like a totally different person.  To truly witness this was a miracle for me to behold.  I will always remember that moment - I consider it a gift from God (HP).

My wish for everyone in program is to be able to be present when someone "gets it."  It changed my life and I know it will change yours.


Have you ever had an opportunity to see someone "get it?"  Please share your thoughts and experiences - we can all help each other on this exciting recovery journey! 

Norinne M.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 7b

No matter what you have done, do you believe that God is always there for you?  How do you communicate with God?

God (HP) has shown me over and over again that he is there for me.  Many times I've questioned the process because I felt I didn't hear from him when I needed his help (meaning I didn't get what I wanted).  This is one of the ways my disease manifests itself in me.  When I'm struggling with something - really struggling, and I ask God for help, I want an answer right away.  Most times I don't get it and I hate waiting!  I also hate struggling.

During this whole process, I sometimes get what my Mom used to call, agita - I can't sit still.  I feel like I need to run, but I have no place to run to.  My head tells me I have to move.  When it happens, I try to sit and meditate; I pray and talk to God (HP) - telling him what is bothering me.  Then I sit quietly and wait for him to talk to me:  I try to go to a quiet place inside.  In order to do this, I need a quiet place outside - I need there to be no distractions.

If I find I can't seem to communicate with God (HP), or I can't get quiet, it means I have some work to do and for me, this means doing a 10 step.  These help me to break what I'm struggling with down into black and white - it gets the craziness out of my head and onto a piece of paper - it takes power away from the problem.  (In my head it's going around and around, building momentum.  I need to stop the craziness - the insanity.)  I have always found that after I do my footwork, I feel much better and there's no more barriers  between God (HP) and I anymore.  I feel at peace again.

No matter what, I know that God (HP) is there for me.  I'm the one who puts up the barriers between us and I'm the one who needs to do the work to eliminate those barriers.


Please share with us some of your thoughts and experiences - we can all help each other on this exciting recovery journey! 

Norinne M.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 7a

How vast do you believe the realm of the spirit to be?  Is belief enough for you to completely put yourself in Gods care?

"As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or he is

willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on

his way.  It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon

this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual

structure can be built."

A.A. Big Book, pg 47

I was so beaten down by my disease and the consequences of it, that I was willing to believe again.  I wanted something that was greater than myself to take away my problems and help me to make my life better again.  Sitting in the meetings and reading the literature led me to believe a Higher Power could do this for me.

Part of my disease already had me living in a fantasy world so it was easy for me to adjust to the possibility of a power greater than myself - I could pretend.  The qualities I gave my Higher Power were also easy.  He's  everything I want him to be, which includes being all powerful and knowing; his powers encompass everything and go everywhere.  There isn't anything he's unable to do.

My problem was learning to trust.  I didn't trust God and I didn't trust anyone in program.  That took awhile.  I had to make sure it was safe with both.  Today, belief is enough for me to completely put myself in God's care.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 6c

Is it OK to experience fear?  What do you do when you experience fear?

Fear spells trouble and it needs to take me right to my Higher Power.  I can't do anything when I'm fearful because it's all about me - that's where my focus is; what I have, what I don't have, what's going to happen or what's not going to happen.  I'm no help to anyone, most of all myself.

I have to get myself God-centered instead of self-centered, by whatever means necessary.

In my fear, I may try everything else first! (My old behaviors.)  It used to be the food and shopping - depending on how fearful and disconnected I am.  I may wait to do my prayer and meditation until last or I may not get quiet enough in my head for prayer and meditation.  This is the key for me.  I have to sit still long enough for the thoughts in my head to quiet down.  I have to be open to prayer and meditation for it to work.  When I am (quiet enough in my head) I can hear that still quiet voice talking to me and I have peace.  The fear goes away and I can move on.

I had an incident happen just yesterday to demonstrate what can happen to me and others when I experience fear and don't take the time to ask God for help.  I'd like to share it.

I wanted to go to a phone meeting and the phone service I was using (when I dialed the phone number) asked me for the exact meeting id number.  Every time I entered the numbers I had for the meeting, they didn't work.  So I made outreach calls to the contact people for two different phone meetings and then emailed a person for a third meeting.  The first person I heard back from was the person I emailed.  She questioned me about where I got her name and after I gave her the incorrect meeting information (by mistake), she questioned me on the date of the list I was working from (because she was no longer a contact person).  I responded with answers to her questions.

She sent me the information I'd requested and I sent her a thank you.  I also made a reference to the mistakes made with the old list and the wrong meeting I had given.  It was supposed to be referring to me but  I forgot to make the reference to me in the email.  She read the email and immediately took offense.  She couldn't  understand why I would treat her the way I did when she went out of her way to help me. She sent back an email that was less than nice, which in turn, upset me.

This all started because I was so upset about the phone problems.  I was self-centered and didn't pay attention to what I was writing.  I ended up hurting someone I had no intention to hurt. 

I had to do a 10-step to understand my part - then I was able to let it go.  

My only concern was to get to a meeting.  In the process of trying, I hurt anyone who got in my way.  My self-centered behavior started with the problems with the phone.  It wasn't until I understood what my character defects were, saw when they started, and made amends, I was finally able to let all of it go. (I did send her an email, apologizing and taking responsibility for my actions.)

Fear is only OK for me to experience when I have the tools and use them.  Otherwise, I have to treat it like a resentment.  It can be deadly for myself and others.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 6b

Do you allow yourself to get angry and accept the fact that this may be a natural instinct?  What do you do when you get angry?

Anger is a mask for my fear.  In the A.A. 12&12, it talks about self-centered fear:

"The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily 
fear that we would lose something we already possessed

or would fail to get something we demanded.  Living upon a basis of

unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance

and frustration.  Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could

find a means of reducing these demands."

A.A. 12&12, pg 76

It further talks about humility, which is what I need to focus on instead of anger. When I'm afraid I'm not going to get what I want or I'm going to lose something I already have, the only place I can go for help is my Higher Power, for me, God.

Humility is the only way I've found that gives me peace when my mind is doing push ups and then running circles around a problem.
 
In my disease, no matter what I did to make the problem go away, it didn't work. 

My choices can determine how I feel and what I see

My only option is to do the footwork.  I stay on my side of the street,  look at my actions, see what my part in the problem is, make amends when necessary and then ask God to show me what needs to be done next; do I need to do more work, is there anything more he wants me to learn?  Then I end my work with a prayer. 

If I'm able to let it go, I know there is no more work for me to do, other than to move on and do the next right thing.  This may be to help someone else, go to a meeting, make a phone call, etc.  The peace I receive comes because my mind is quiet again and I have the knowledge that God (HP) is in charge (I'm not).

My peace of mind is all about choice.  I can choose to hang on to the anger, which in turn will hold me hostage.  It then ruins my peace of mind and serenity - based on past history, for several days.  Or, I can choose to look at it from another angle, see what my part in it is (probably fear), make amends if necessary and give it to God.  Afterward, I can move on with my life.  This is a totally different behavior from the person I used to be.  My choices in the past would have been to hang on, blame someone else and continue to blame.

Anger may be a natural instinct for the normal person, but it's not something I choose to have in my life today.  I'm an addict, and like resentments, anger can kill.

AS BILL SEES IT, Question 6a

Have you accepted life on "life's terms" or do your daily problems throw you off kilter?

I'm so grateful to finally be at a spot in my life where I'm able to accept life on life's terms. In the past, anything would send me over the edge.  

Emotionally, I struggled.  When I was in the food, I was emotionally numb... but still controlling.  Even after I put the food down, for many years after, I was a basket case.  I didn't know how to allow myself to feel the emotions.  I fought them.  I spent all of my time trying to run from my feelings.  I thought if I felt them, I would die.   Instead, I was killing my spirit.

Fortunately,  God took over, introduced me to the people in fellowship who could help me with my spiritual program and then encouraged me to work the 12 steps spiritually.

I can't, He can, I think I'll let him.

Once I let go and let God, my depression slowly lifted.  As I continue to rely on God (HP) everyday, I lead a sane and healthy life.  I know that the God of my understanding will take care of me, no matter what.  Any fears I used to have are gone - as long as I ask for help - which I do through my prayers, meditation, reading and writing.  As the A.A. Big Book says, I'm rewarded with a peaceful and serene life, which I have today.

I've been searching for this way of life forever.  It's part of what the big black empty hole inside of me was about.  I'm not willing to go back there (to the pain) again.  So however much time in my day this work takes, I'm willing to do it.

I'd love to hear what your answer is to any of these questions.  Please feel free to post a comment.